I Just Published a Personal Essay with Marie Claire!

[MLPforever]

Pony friends!

I just published a personal essay with Marie Claire! I'm so excited--it takes such a long time to get even something small published somewhere. I had a lot of help from friends along the way.

http://www.marieclaire.com/health-fitness/a15937/tubes-tied-young/

Just wanted to share! 

[CoonhoundBetty]

::standing ovation::

I talked to my OB about tubal ligation at 27, and she was all for it, with my history of postpartum depression/suicide, but she told me to be prepared for insurance to fight back, because of my age. She told me that she would stand with me and provide anything the insurance wanted to back MY choice for MY body. And then...the hospital she does surgery at decided to no longer allow female sterilization because of 'religious reasons.' So, I'm back to square one, and working with my doctor about my options with another hospital, two years later. Of course, I'm still harping on my husband about getting his dang boys snipped since it's an easier procedure for men, but he's got the whole virility-issue thing going on.

I really applaud you for being vocal about your decision, and calling out the health system that decides OUR choices for us. It's ridiculous and has to change. How dare they LAUGH at you and violate HIPA...I probably would have pursued litigation against that first doctor. How dare they!!

[MLPforever]

The ACLU is actually suing a religious hospital right now on behalf of a woman who was denied a tubal ligation by a religious hospital. I believe the ACLU will win, so things may be looking up for you in the future!

Tell your husband that his decision to not get a vasectomy is putting you in danger. His choice means that you have to carry the burden of worrying about unwanted pregnancies. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation. I'm sorry he isn't more supportive. :/

We actually considered suing the doctor, and if I hadn't been able to find anyone else to tie my tubes, I might have. But since I found someone within a year, I let it slide. Sometimes I still wonder if that was the right thing.

By the way, from what I understand, insurance companies actually jump at the chance to cover tubals because it's so much cheaper than having to cover the cost of childbirth and childcare. Tubals save insurance companies untold amounts of money. Mine gave me no problem at all.

[BlackCurtains]

Congrats!! On both the publication and the tubal

I'm childfree too and know how hard it is.

[True]

I love this! well I don't love the struggle but the fact that you didn't give up! When I was in jr.high I felt the same way, then I got pregnant at 16 (literally my biggest fear!) It was a double edged knife for me, I would go to my OB appointments and suffer all the glares and judgmental tones from the doctors at being a young pregnant person, then after I had my son and asked for the tubal ligation. Much like you I was refused, because I was EXTREMELY young (only 17) which yeah is true. But I still felt the same way about not wanting kids. I LOVED my son, but I definitely did not want more kids. I went back when I turned 18 and got a firm NO, went back when I turned 20, Still NO. The last doctor said "it's a choice you need to make with your partner." A partner I don't have, and I'm honestly not the least bit interested in dating. I'm 28 now, and I'm wondering if its even worth trying, since I have no "man" to help encourage doctors that i'm making the right choice. :l

Being FtM transgender, the idea that I can still get pregnant is almost repulsive, as well as depressing, so I just try to ignore it. More people like you need to tell their stories. I hope someday that people have freedom over their own bodies.

[MLPforever]

True, I'm sorry that you've also been turned away by sexist doctors! Several of my trans friends have similar stories and feelings...trans people have a hard enough time accessing the medical care they need, let alone being burdened by sexism. Ugh.

There are also a lot of cis women (like me) who have always felt repulsed by pregnancy. The idea of something growing inside me is terrifying and horrible to me. In my essay though, I decided not to focus on why I don't want kids, because I don't feel like that part is even important. Whether it's because pregnancy freaks you out, or pregnancy doesn't mesh with your gender identity, or kids are too loud for you, or WHATEVER--what's important is that you don't. Want. Kids. Period. And you should be able to say that, have people take you seriously, and make a decision based on what's best for you.

I pointed out to doctors one and three how heteronormative their comments to me were as well, when they would start talking about a future husband. Like, first of all, how do you know that I even plan to get married to anyone? Second, how do you know I even like guys? How do you know I'm not gay? Why are you making the assumption that I want a husband one day?

[flyawayraven]

Well done for getting this published and for never giving up on getting your surgery! It is maddening how obsessed other people are with what you as a young woman choose to do with YOUR body.

I have a friend who got essure coils put in a few years ago at the age of 23 and she said the hoops she had to jump through for that were ridiculous. She ultimately had the procedure with Planned Parenthood because they were the only place who didn't give her a hard time about her decision. 

[melodys_angel]

I think doctors...as a whole can be narrow minded.  It doesn't have to be about 'being too young to go through inset thing here'  It can easily be 'theres nothing wrong with you because I cant see it.'  You are stuck on what you know..and when something pops up that is out of what you are used to...you give up.


That's an amazing article--im glad that things finally went through!

[dashesndots]

Congrats on the article and huge kudos to you for sticking to your guns and persevering to get what YOU wanted.  It boggles my mind that people are allowed to tell you, "No," with absolutely no legitimate reasons, when it comes to things like this.  I am currently 30 years old and child-free (and not on birth control, because I was one of those unlucky people who did develop a blood clot), and the older we get, the more my husband and I lean towards getting a permanent fix. Of course I would prefer to have him get a vasectomy, but I don't know if he'd go through with it.  In which case it may be up to me to get a tubal, and I really hope I don't have to fight tooth and nail like you did.

[MilkyTaroMochi]

That's so great your article got published! I enjoyed reading it, and it was a shame that it was so hard for you to find a doctor that would do the procudure. It frustrates me how it seems like women dont have the right to decide for themselves if they want to have kids or not.

As a 26-year old that is debating if I even want kids, I have had family members and friends give me crap about it, and in a few cases, even got upset at me when I mentioned I'd want to adopt a kid if I choose to have them.

[kaoskat]

Congrats!

[MLPforever]

It amazes me how many men say that they do not want children, yet refuse to take any responsibility and have vasectomies. It makes me furious--honestly, if I couldn't get a tubal and my husband and I wanted to be childfree but he said he refused to get snipped...that would be a divorce-worthy offense in my book. I mean, how selfish can you be? You want ME to take on the burden of worrying about an unwanted pregnancy because you won't have a simple, outpatient procedure? It's like these dudes are children. And they always seem to get off the hook for their childish behavior.

Relationships are supposed to be partnerships. I don't know...it makes me mad on behalf of you ladies!

[Wardah]

I hate the excuse "what if you change your mind?". I mean as far as I know there are ways to still have a biological baby even if the tubes have been tied. Yeah its more complicated because now medical people need to get involved but at least it won't happen by accident.

[True]

There are also a lot of cis women (like me) who have always felt repulsed by pregnancy. The idea of something growing inside me is terrifying and horrible to me. In my essay though, I decided not to focus on why I don't want kids, because I don't feel like that part is even important. Whether it's because pregnancy freaks you out, or pregnancy doesn't mesh with your gender identity, or kids are too loud for you, or WHATEVER--what's important is that you don't. Want. Kids. Period. And you should be able to say that, have people take you seriously, and make a decision based on what's best for you.

I feel like this is the best thing you could have done. One thing that i think women have just grown accustomed to over the years. Is needing to explain why they want to do a certain thing. And other people have just grown used to accepting that woman should explain themselves to them. So while it seems harmless.. I think it starts to make them look sort of weak, like you're grasping for anything to validate your reasons. But more importantly, its no ones business. I can understand a doctor wanting to know facts, but as soon as they turn it into "well you wont want that.." is where I get angry.

A lot of people get confused in my case. I had a kid when I didn't want one. I love my son more then anything, even if I wasn't happy about how it happened, but I would never have another kid. I had dated a few people, one for many years. And he would always say "why can't we have kids" (we weren't even married!?) or he would say something like "but Cam wont ever have any brothers or sister?" or "why won't you just take birth control, I hate condoms." (because I was so paranoid about getting pregnant again) It all just made me feel like my sole obligation in life was to provide babies and brothers and sisters for my son, or to be the one who got birth control, or blah blah blah.

Honestly having gone through labor.. I think some men should be more open to things like condoms xD at least they don't have to give birth rofl.

[BlackCurtains]

It can be hard for men to be taken seriously too. My friend who lives in NYC of all places, wanted to get a vasectomy at 23 and had to go through four doctors before finding one who would do it. One of them told him he should see a therapist because a young man not wanting to spread his seed obviously had something wrong with him.

Childfreedom is spreading however It still has a long way to go before being seen as normal, but it will get there. Especially the more crowded we get.