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Quote from: northstar3184 on February 28, 2017, 07:25:05 PMQuote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that. If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?Just my two cents as a man.Honestly abuse is wrong to no matter what the gender of the person doing it. Women are actually frequently perpetrators of emotional abuse but it's often just laughed off as "nagging" despite it being just as damaging emotionally as when a guy does it to a woman.It's not that he's upset but how he's handling it that's the issue. Balance is key but it seems like he is trying to force her to conform to his wishes with no regard for her wishes and tbh that's not healthy.
Quote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that. If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?Just my two cents as a man.
I'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off!
Quote from: Wardah on February 28, 2017, 08:02:40 PMQuote from: northstar3184 on February 28, 2017, 07:25:05 PMQuote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that. If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?Just my two cents as a man.Honestly abuse is wrong to no matter what the gender of the person doing it. Women are actually frequently perpetrators of emotional abuse but it's often just laughed off as "nagging" despite it being just as damaging emotionally as when a guy does it to a woman.It's not that he's upset but how he's handling it that's the issue. Balance is key but it seems like he is trying to force her to conform to his wishes with no regard for her wishes and tbh that's not healthy.I don't see where he's mishandled anything. Although he initially said he wants the ponies gone, the OP has said in her most recent post that he seems happy with her getting rid of the duplicates. It sounds like his initial reaction of saying all the ponies need to go was just out of anger, rather than an attempt to control her. I don't see where there's a control issue or anything other than a father concerned that the bills get paid, their child comes first, and that he's standing up for himself and his child by make it clear that the recent spending/debt that has occurred is counter-productive to those priorities.
A significant other (of any gender) attempting to deny an activity of their partner's that is otherwise non-detrimental is cause for alarm. Overspending into debt on a hobby /is/ detrimental, and reasonable grounds for concern, and not a good idea in any situation. None of us are in a position to properly evaluate what's going on here because all information is filtered through a single source. That said, it's common sense to warn about things like emotional abuse and red flags in behaviour because they're often impossible to spot from the 'inside' if you don't have prior experience in an abusive relationship. That's what makes them insidious. Like the frog slowly brought up to the boiling point that remains in the pot, there's usually no one major incident that will shock someone into realizing they're in an unhealthy situation. I'm not making any assignments of who is/isn't a problem in this given case, just pointing out a general trend.
Quote from: Wardah on February 28, 2017, 08:02:40 PMQuote from: northstar3184 on February 28, 2017, 07:25:05 PMQuote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.[...]Just my two cents as a man.Honestly abuse is wrong to no matter what the gender of the person doing it. Women are actually frequently perpetrators of emotional abuse but it's often just laughed off as "nagging" despite it being just as damaging emotionally as when a guy does it to a woman.It's not that he's upset but how he's handling it that's the issue. Balance is key but it seems like he is trying to force her to conform to his wishes with no regard for her wishes and tbh that's not healthy.[...]I don't see where he's mishandled anything.
Quote from: northstar3184 on February 28, 2017, 07:25:05 PMQuote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.[...]Just my two cents as a man.Honestly abuse is wrong to no matter what the gender of the person doing it. Women are actually frequently perpetrators of emotional abuse but it's often just laughed off as "nagging" despite it being just as damaging emotionally as when a guy does it to a woman.It's not that he's upset but how he's handling it that's the issue. Balance is key but it seems like he is trying to force her to conform to his wishes with no regard for her wishes and tbh that's not healthy.
Quote from: Snapdragon on February 28, 2017, 05:09:33 AMI'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off! She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts. And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.[...]Just my two cents as a man.
[...]My husband is furious. He says it sends him into a black rage when he looks at my collection. He'll quote Fight Club at me "whatever you own ends up owning you" and how they don't make me happy. They're toys, materialistic garbage and he wants them gone. And he's furious about the amount of money I've spent. [...] would be heart broken to part with my collection.
[...]sometimes he can put too much into savings out of his paycheck. To a point where he can only buy groceries once or can't really help buy baby clothes. I never fly off the handle because I know I've messed up.[...] He gets angry and doesn't want to talk or will yell a little but nothing abusive. [...][...]He says I don't need them and to get rid of them all. He is also convinced that I'm one of 10 people that collect and they're most likely worthless. [...]He says that he'll never like my ponies and wants be to get rid of them all our only have a handful. I wish there was just more of a middle ground. Not all or nothing. He prides himself on being a minimalist.
I love the above comment about Dave Ramsey, he is very supportive while also dishing some tough love about the realities of money and family finances. I think it's important to have a encouraging environment when it comes to money since it's easy to feel hopeless and want to give up.Northstar, I fallow your perspective from a XY point of view and I'm glad your responding to offer balance, we don't know enough to vilify this guy and with the known situation there is a good chance he is just looking out for what he feels is best for his family and child, we we should not pass judgment too quickly. Personally I'm staying neutral, we just don't know enough in my opinion.Snapdragon, your first responce really upset me and I actually had to delete a responce I was starting to write because I was afraid I was taking it too personal. the second response clarifying your comments about children growing up with a abusive parent did not make me feel any better, but now instead of angry I'm really depressed. This ignorant attitude is a stigma that older adoptees, Foster kids, kids in group homes and all kinds of abuse survivor have to live with and many of us feel a need to hide. Your essentially blaming the victim though I'm sure you don't realize it. I'm honestly kinda crushed reading this, the opinion you voice is all too common and it hurts so many children/people that have already been through so much.
"The reason I point this out is because of the symptoms that zombie85chick is describing - controlling behavior, yelling, over-frugality to the point of financial distress, over-compensating behaviors in that vein - may be symptoms that her husband is emulating his mother in more ways than he may realize. And that doesn't necessarily make him an abusive or bad partner, but it may mean that under stress, he reverts to bad habits."That's just it, I'm not seeing controlling behavior: He seems happy with her selling the duplicates. I don't see him being overly frugal: They have a baby and reside with his mother. Those two variables, in addition to regular bills, can and should cause any parent to be frugal with their money so that they can save for their own home and child's future. As far as yelling, what couple has never yelled? From my vantage point as a guy, it really seems like in these situations men are in a catch-22: Be assertive and risk being characterized as controlling. Or don't be assertive and get regarded as a spineless doormat. He's taken the path of being assertive, thinking of the future and his child. And as a result, we're sitting here talking about red flags for abuse. If he were permissive about the spending, we'd be talking about how he doesn't have the backbone to stand up for his child and is allowing himself to be taken advantage of. It's a no-win.