Asperger's Syndrome and pony collecting...

[lostpony]

As for the serious tone of the thread, I think that was natural? There are a lot of ASD pony collectors and we all have different experiences Also, the reality is that not many people generally ask *our* view on Autism in any regard. They ask specialists, professionals, experts. Sometimes family members of people with ASD - but unless they have it too, none of them actually know what it's like to live with it. They live with someone with it, which is a different situation and stress position. If you live with someone with it, you are supporting them, but you can still walk out of the room and leave the ASD somewhere else. If you live with it, you can't do that. And far too often people ask only the one set of opinions, and not the opinions of the people who know best.

There seems to be a general misconception among areas of mainstream media in various places that having ASD immediately makes you unable to comment, judge or have any kind of point of view.

So threads like this are ways we can actually speak for ourselves and try and kill some of those prejudices and assumptions. Thus here we all are, spamming your thread with our experiences

Then again, ponies and ASD are obviously a connection. So in that light, maybe it's not off topic? I mean, from my point of view, I can't remember not having ponies. And ponies marked key events in my life. When my sister was born, when my mum was ill, when I graduated...all these things. So in a way, ponies became markers of milestones that are, in their own way, achievements of living with ASD in spite of the large amount of misinterpretation that still exists regarding it.

Taffeta you have really said it well.  Thank you.  This thread is for us.

In defense of everyone including the moderator, I think I was the only one getting carried away; the rest of you were all fine.

I too had a lot of things accumulated that marked those important milestones for me, and having lost them all, I find having some ponies helps fill in those holes just a little bit.

I visited with my dad, and he's odd.... he will not have a conversation, he hates small talk or any topic that does not interest him (not my favorite thing either.... but I know you can't just walk off mid conversation because you are bored! my dad is the absent minded professor). but he loves quizzing. he asked me geography questions and I answered them all correctly, and a quiz about the US because of an article he read and I knew more about the states then the general populous of USA as adults according to that article. He was expecting me to do poorly.

"You were terrible at geography in school. Terrible. I never was able to help you. What changed?" So I explained in school it was boring and irrelevant. I didn't know why I needed to care about a gross national product of a country I have no interest in seeing, or didn't connect to me. and I had zero interest in most travel. so I bombed that class.  It's all due to ponies, which is embarrassing. Each country he asked about I either read about a line of ponies made there (and some I own- so like early Italy ponies) so also learned a bit about the area. others I had bought or sold to people from that country so looked up what I could for how the pony would travel. I was telling him my pony related stories connected to each place and now he thinks I'm crazy.

FantsticFirefly you have hit on the DiBronski "gifted learner" theorem:  it is almost impossible to push things into our memory if we have no interest in them, but if we find them exciting we have a heightened capacity to absorb everything in great detail.  This was so true for me that I was for years incapable of learning the times tables, and was teased for a whole class period for being unable to remember that 7x3=21 even when it had come up over and over, which excited me enough to remember 7x3=21 and became the basis for remembering 7s and where the other numbers intersected 7 to learn those numbers too.  Public education does little to excite us about information.  I didn't learn very well there until something excites me.

It sounds like your dad shares some of your traits.  I think many of us do.

Hmmmm I would prefer not to be diagnosed or labelled.  Other people's diagnoses' is none of my business. 

I treat people like human beings, not according to how psychiatry manuals advise that certain individuals should be gently handled. 

If you like ponies and you're here, that's fine by me.  Don't expect to be treated any differently than anyone else, because we are here for our love of ponies!

That's how everyone should treat each other. The same. We're all just people. My mother always said to treat others the way you want them to treat you. It's a rule I live by.

Tikibirds: the only reason I went and got an official diagnosis is because I wasn't getting by. I needed extra help and in order to get it I had to swallow any pride I had left. To get help you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Tak, I always took pride in what was different about me.  I was better than everyone else, and thought I was a nice guy but in fact I'm pretty much a total jerk and that dug a big hole for me in social interactions.  It took getting buried in that hole for me to see that I was not a nice guy and was responsible for people treating me badly, and I finally began to try to do better, which has to happen every day with each interaction.  For example I can't even ask an eBay seller for a better price on a beatup pony without offending him and getting a jerk response.  The only difference now is that instead of escalating, I looked back at my own words and could see that it was my fault.  The "golden rule" is to treat each other as we wish to be treated...but I personally fall short  and have to constantly double-check myself.

Well in that case, I'm very happy to have been of some help by starting a topic so many of you feel so strongly about and I'm really glad it has given you the opportunity to speak about it

applejackbunny, I can't thank you enough for starting this thread, and everypony for tolerating me here.

Happy ponying all!
 

[applejackbunny]

Lostpony, there is no "tolerating" - you are positively and warmly welcome! Everypony is! I have to say that I am overwhelmed by all the responses and really admire each and every one of you for your brilliant and moving stories. I'm sorry I haven't said much more about my own situation, but I feel that until I have a diagnosis, I'm not really "qualified" to say anything, because I only know that I have many, many of the traits, but don't know, as of yet, whether I am actually on the spectrum or not...watch this space! 

[Chrissytree]

I've pretty much always collected ponies. I was actively seeking them out and saving all my money to get as many as I could get my hands on by 7. I'm also very much a list person and my pony collection played well into that habit too - I used to keep a note of which pony I got on what day and so how old they were. But I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 27 when my Mum read an article in the paper.
I also take advantage of the pony conventions. Knowing that the other people are there for ponies is so reassuring and that 99% of the conversations will be about them. When I started out I was very shy and didn't want to talk to anyone plus I didn't know the way to act. But every year I learn something new and grow a bit as a person.

Personally I've found that it helps for me have a diagnosis. Being able to justify to myself why I'm feeling a certain way about something. It also helps to be able to tell someone that you have Aspergers when you've just broken down in front of them. Perhaps some people will understand why you're crying without you telling them but being able to say the three words "I have Aspergers" is just such a relief for me. Once that's said I can ignore worrying about offending them and concentrate on calming myself.

[applejackbunny]

I was not a nice guy and was responsible for people treating me badly, and I finally began to try to do better, which has to happen every day with each interaction.  For example I can't even ask an eBay seller for a better price on a beatup pony without offending him and getting a jerk response.  The only difference now is that instead of escalating, I looked back at my own words and could see that it was my fault.  The "golden rule" is to treat each other as we wish to be treated...but I personally fall short  and have to constantly double-check myself.

Lostpony, from what you wrote (unless I've misinterpreted it) it sounds as if the issue was how you came across to others, rather than your intentions being off. That most definitely doesn't make you "not a nice guy" as you say. I think that as long as your intentions are good and fair, then you are not at fault. You may have issues with getting those intentions across, but as you said, you can work on that.

I have a similar problem in that I simply cannot stand up for myself (even in the face of gross unfairness) without either crying (and therefore coming across as pathetic and ineffectual and thereby irritating people) or being far too blunt and offending people. I simply cannot do the whole "calm but firm" thing in a face-to-face scenario such as you may get at work. I have found that the only way I can deal with any kind of grievance I may have is if I am able to write it down. Where possible, that is what I will do. I find I can communicate extremely easily and effectively when I write, but just crumble completely in a face-to-face situation. We are all different, but that is one of my major issues.

So, lostpony, I don't know if I've understood you quite correctly, but it sounds as if you are being a little too hard on yourself. You don't seem like "not a nice guy" at all, you may just have issues with that ever-complex thing...communication : )

Post Merge: March 19, 2016, 03:20:58 PM

Personally I've found that it helps for me have a diagnosis. Being able to justify to myself why I'm feeling a certain way about something. It also helps to be able to tell someone that you have Aspergers when you've just broken down in front of them. Perhaps some people will understand why you're crying without you telling them but being able to say the three words "I have Aspergers" is just such a relief for me. Once that's said I can ignore worrying about offending them and concentrate on calming myself.

This! 

[Tak]

Lostpony, from what you wrote (unless I've misinterpreted it) it sounds as if the issue was how you came across to others, rather than your intentions being off. That most definitely doesn't make you "not a nice guy" as you say. I think that as long as your intentions are good and fair, then you are not at fault. You may have issues with getting those intentions across, but as you said, you can work on that.

I have a similar problem in that I simply cannot stand up for myself (even in the face of gross unfairness) without either crying (and therefore coming across as pathetic and ineffectual and thereby irritating people) or being far too blunt and offending people. I simply cannot do the whole "calm but firm" thing in a face-to-face scenario such as you may get at work. I have found that the only way I can deal with any kind of grievance I may have is if I am able to write it down. Where possible, that is what I will do. I find I can communicate extremely easily and effectively when I write, but just crumble completely in a face-to-face situation. We are all different, but that is one of my major issues.

So, lostpony, I don't know if I've understood you quite correctly, but it sounds as if you are being a little too hard on yourself. You don't seem like "not a nice guy" at all, you may just have issues with that ever-complex thing...communication : )

Another thing I was always taught as a young child was "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". In following that rule I was pretty much a doormat until I got so angry that I went berserker mode. I agree lostpony isn't a bad person, just had different circumstances in life which didn't necessarily help you learn to step back before reacting. My dad always says that you can't control what happens, only how you react to it. Since you are really the only thing that you control. It's so much easier to handle in hindsight.

Also, my daughter was officially diagnosed asd yesterday. I'm very against medicating children unless absolutely necessary, so we are working on games, relaxation techniques, appropriate communication, and essentially learning to hide how smart she is on the playground while letting it all out in the classroom. Not sure if I'm good enough to handle all of it, but I must try.

[invaderhorizongreen]

I will say from experience finding out for the first time shattered my world as none of my siblings have it. I am now just accepting of it, and realize it is a part of me for good or ill.

[applejackbunny]

Sorry to hear that, that's awful 

I'm the opposite. I think I will be very much at peace with it....*if* that's what I have 

[lostpony]

Thanks applejackbunny and Tak.

For me (not laying this on anyone else, just me), it is the difference between assuming I am nice and actually examining how I approach people.  The assumption meant I didn't have to look and always thought it was the other guy.  Of course it sometimes is the other guy, but it's also sometimes me.  More than sometimes it's me I think, looking back.

I never really put that "if you don't have anything nice to say" advice into practice.  Like any advice, applying it too much is as bad as applying it too little.  Good luck finding the right balance.

Tak, I am certain you are the best possible person to help your daughter.  Your dad is absolutely correct about controlling how we react.  A corollary to that is if we don't control how we react, then things will only get worse as others react to our reaction...and so on.

For me, good advice is like not touching the hot burner on the stove.  It's one thing to hear it and another thing entirely to get burned.  Then, I still reach out to touch it again....and yet I'm the smart one right?  Turns out, not so much.  Ah, life lessons....so slow to sink in, for me.  At 40+ years old I think I might be starting to learn a couple things.

Thanks everypony! 

[Tak]

I will say from experience finding out for the first time shattered my world as none of my siblings have it. I am now just accepting of it, and realize it is a part of me for good or ill.

It can be the best parts of you. I try to focus on that. My house is always clean and we overflow with creativity. Baking and cooking lend themselves to experimentation easily. It's really hard to make brownies taste bad. For me anyway.  Eventually I found that I would rather be me in all my crazy glory than be any other way. (Mostly because my path led to my daughter and, yes, I'm biased,  but I think she's amazing).

Thanks lostpony. I will always get back up, even if some pieces go missing, and take care of my girl.

[autieluna]

It can be the best parts of you. I try to focus on that. My house is always clean and we overflow with creativity.

I'm so jealous  Creativity, sure, but mine went the exact opposite way when it comes to keeping the house clean.

[Taffeta]

Nobody should have to make excuses about getting a diagnosis. One of the negative effects of socieyy living in denial of diversity is a tendency for ASD people to feel the need to justify or explain themselves. But it is nobody else's business.

Also, we have a law in the UK which states that if treating someone with a protected characteristic results in them being disadvantaged then that qualifies as discrimination. I am really independent, but without my diagnosis, I would not have a bus or rail pass. My navigation is prohibitive in driving, and so I would not ever go anywhere without this backup in times I get lost. There are things different people can or cannot do...in my opinion, telling a person with ASD to be like everyone else and expect no understanding of that diversity is the same as telling a wheelchair user to walk up stairs.

If you would not do that, because it is ridiculous, you ought to have the same flexibility of mind towards people whose disability is not physically obvious.

I feel the need to underscore also that ASD is not a mental illness,. It can open people up to mental illness comorbidities, but in my view 90% of anxiety and depression in asd people comes from them trying to meet the unreasonable expectations of society to fit in.

[applejackbunny]

I feel the need to underscore also that ASD is not a mental illness,. It can open people up to mental illness comorbidities, but in my view 90% of anxiety and depression in asd people comes from them trying to meet the unreasonable expectations of society to fit in.

Totally agree with this!

[Taffeta]

On the tact subject...

I dunno how many people here now remember me from 1998 when I was 16 and first online.

I hope not many.

I openly admit to being still pedantic about detail, ranty, forceful and just plain odd at times. It is fine. But at 16 I had zero idea of tact. I went on massive rants about things to people....much worse than now, as I try to be more polite and sometimes walk away now. I know I made a nusiance of myself particularly over the issue of sellers not shipping internationally. I still don't like when that happens, but at least now I respect it as an individual choice. I also took apart the errors on DV, publically, and not politely, many times. While yes, there were errors...my way of handling that was less than awesome.

Where did it lead me? Active online bullying by at least two individuals which were designed to drive me out of the community and for a while succeeded. They stole from me, lied about me, posted things about my family and tried to get me to take down my site.

At the time all of that destroyed me emotionally, and I still have not forgiven it but...with my diagnosis, and reflection over time, I understood my own misdoings better, too. I sought out a lot of people I knew I had upset, apologised to them and explained.

My diagnosis helped that explanation. Not just so I could reflect on myself, but also so others realised that I never acted from malice. To me that is and was super important.

I don't mind being ASD. Diagnosis doesnt make you something other than what you are, after all. But it does get on my nerves when people take for granted doing things that for me are a huge deal, or when they don't realise that the things that upset me often defy other people logic. Sadly the world preaches equality, diversity and thinking outside the box, but still seeks to impose conformity.

Tak, I wish your daughter the best. She has won the first battle, which is having a mother who is open to the diagnosis and cares about her as she is .

[lostpony]

Taffeta, I really enjoyed your post and I thank you for it.  I always like what you have to say.

You seem to have come to grips with yourself a lot sooner than I did, or do, because I am just beginning to get closer to there now...with a ways to go...

I didn't hang around here in 1998 (had other obsessions than pony), but I was getting into the online thing in other places about a year or two later, and I quit internet socializing by 2003 after a couple of disappointing interactions which were probably less the other people's fault than I thought at the time.  I am just beginning again here now after, gee darn! a decade!  I wonder what we would have thought of each other back then...anyway I am glad to be a part of the same community now, and I feel the same way about everyone else here too especially all the supportive people participating in this thread. 

Thanks everypony.

[The_Loner]

I feel the need to underscore also that ASD is not a mental illness,. It can open people up to mental illness comorbidities, but in my view 90% of anxiety and depression in asd people comes from them trying to meet the unreasonable expectations of society to fit in.

Couldn't agree more!!
Also having ASD does NOT mean you are broken, defective, wrong or anything else!! You just perceive the world in a different way from the majority and there's nothing wrong with that!!

Tafetta, you are very good at speeking up about ASD. I recognize your name from back in the late 90s-early 2000s but otherwise don't really remember things about you except your website and that you were one of the "big" names on the forums. I don't think we ever had contact. I remember things got pretty nasty on the old MLP Trading Post forum, people accusing each other, people believing they were better than the rest and generally a harsh and depressing tone. I'm a very sensitive person and easily get hurt. I quit online acitivty back then because I couldn't deal with the harsh tone.

lostpony, while I accepted and appreciated my diagnosis right from the start it took me very long to come to grips with myself in that aspect. For a long time I even questioned if I really did have Asperger's and was completely baffled by adult aspies who wrote books about their life just 1-2 years after getting a diagnosis. I have just had to accept that I'm a "turtle". People grow, develop and understand themselves at different paces

applejackbunny, wish you the best on your journey to find out if you have ASD

It would be kinda neat if there was an ASD subforum where we could discuss our autistic aspects of life ........... seening there are so many of us here .........