Being a full time parent?

[shimmlight]

I was wondering if there were any full time parents here (I'm sure there are somewhere ) because it's honestly what I want to do when I'm a bit older. I kinda feel worried when people ask me what career choice I'm taking and I say I wanna be a full time parent, because lots of people don't value it as something important when in my opinion it is. I've always wanted children and I know that when I do have them I want to be able to be there for them all the time and not have the distraction of a job.

I guess I'm asking because I wanna know if anyone else feels or has ever felt the same way about people's views on their choice. I don't want to be made to feel that my life choice isn't worthy because it doesn't earn me any money. My partner is fine with it, and that's why he's going to university so he can get a decent job and look after me and the future children, but I'm worried people will think I'm just sponging off him. Also I guess I just wanna know what it's like too, for those with experience

[True]

I hear this a lot. And honestly if you want to be a full time parent and your partner is ok with it, then do it if its important to you.

I think people get confused. Like its really great that woman are better represented now, and are making more and more empowering movements. Its also really important that that takes place! But I hear a lot of people put other woman down because they choose to stay home and raise a family. Then I hear the arguments that a mom who stays at home loves her kids more, and a working mom does not, or a working mom provides more then a stay at home.

I think what people are really missing is that woman now have the freedom to make these choices for themselves, and it doesn't, and shouldn't be the determining factor of how much they care for their family. Its more weird because it seems like I hear this more from woman then I do men lol.

Personally I love being a full time mom, I really HATED working when my son was even younger because I felt so helpless having someone else being responsible for him, and it wasn't a great job so if he got sick I had to just trust my partner at the time to do the right thing. Not that he wasn't capable, he really was great, its just that its always been really hard for me to depend on other people. I will probably be looking for a job next year though. As hard as it seems (for me lol) I think having a son in jr.High will require more money xD. Not that my son asks for anything, but I want him to enjoy some of the things I never did, and hes shown a lot of interest in soccer the past few years.

Anyway though, I don't think you should feel bad about your choice, or worry about people who want you to feel bad. If its something that you and your partner have a comfortable agreement with then don't worry.

[aintnobuffalo]

I've always been career-minded, but I really admire moms (and other caretakers too) who make parenting their only job. It's a hard job, and requires a lot of knowledge and work. You're basically a full time teacher in addition to being a caregiver, so you have to know your stuff and be up for dealing with chaos. My mom choice to stay at home with us when we were young, and I think that was really great for us. If you feel passionate about it you should follow your drive to pursue a career as a mom. There are plenty of people who do it, so even if you don't receive the approval and understanding from everyone, there are people out there who will support and admire your choice. You'll support your partner in other important ways; he won't have to worry about who is caring for his kids and potentially won't have to do as much work around the house after coming home from whatever career he pursues.

This traditional model wasn't what was wrong with the world when women had less options; the fact that we can choose anything now is what's important, and those choice options rightly include being a full time caregiver.

[kaoskat]

When we have our children I very much intend to stay home with them.

[SwordPony]

I'm not a parent not do I intend to be. But I have lots of respect for people that are stay at home parents. It's a full time job in its own right when your a parent. Just remember when you are that stay at home parent. Take some time for just you every now and again. It will make you a better parent in the long run. An I only say this because I've seen parents not take breaks and they get burned out and are easily irritated. Everyone needs a break even parents.

Good luck it's a great choice.

[Gloomygirl777]

Hello!
I am a full time stay at home Mom to a 2 year old little girl. Don't let people get you down for wanting to stay home with your babies. Unfortunately people are going to say what they will and you can't change that....so you gotta try and ignore them. I agree that it definitely can be a job that people look down on a little...I have gotten the question of "when are you going back to work?" and I am like ahemmm...I work everyday all day, lol. But also a lot of older women that I have talked to said they worked when their children were younger and they really regret it. I feel very fortunate for being able to stay home with my daughter.

Unlike you before I had my child I never thought too much about what I was going to do....I  just assumed that I would go back to work but once I had her it all became clear to me that what I wanted to do was take care of her so I think its great that you already know exactly what you want. It will make it easier for you to plan accordingly so you can make that happen. It will put a lot of financial stress on your partner though so make sure you are on the same page. Good luck!

[Tap Dancer]

My mom quit her job right before my sister was born in 1974, and she's been a homemaker ever since. I loved having my mom home when I was growing up. She was always there for us. She could take us anywhere we needed to go (school functions, dance recitals, etc.). Not many people have the option of staying home to care for their child(ren) anymore, and I feel lucky that I never had to stay with a babysitter or be put in a program. If your family can afford to get by on just your husband's income, I think it's a great thing. My mom was there for all of my milestones.

[zabe77]

I stay at home with two toddlers and it's hard but I love it. People without kids often don't get it, but people with kids do. I know a lot of mom's who go back to work just because toddlers are so exhausting and not totally mentally stimulating in the way a lot of people are happy with. Those people feel bad for not being stay at home mom's just like SAHM's feel bad for not working. Both choices are valid, all we do is what we feel is best for our families and it doesn't matter what other people think. I tried working and being a mom and felt I was failing at both. I was lucky that we were able to have me stay home, as I feel much better about my ability to parent and do what's best for my family now. That's just for me and my kids though, I know mom's who do better with part-time or full-time work, and whose kids do find with it too. It's all individual. If your partner is on board and you feel it's best, then I say forget any naysayers! There's just as many people who think it's an awesome thing to do.

In the meantime, be sure to save as much as possible and try to live one one salary just to be sure you can do this. As finances do stress me. I keep track of every penny to be sure we're on track each month.

[Marlin]

Being a full time parent IS a full time job, definitely!!! And it's unpaid, no sick leave or holiday pay (or holidays for that matter!!  )

I've been at home for nearly five years now. Sometimes that realisation scares the heck out of me (I mean... imagine how much easier things would be if we had even just a little bit extra $$!!!  ) but at the same time, I don't regret it.  Sure, in a selfish whine I get tired and grumpy and I have gone from being a reasonably tolerant personality to a thoroughly impatient shrew at times!!! BUT I am here for my babies - school/kindy pick ups, hpme when they're sick, wholesome meals on the table... and those considerations were some big factors in me not returning to work when I was supposed to.

Going back to work frightens me. It's a reality for me in the next few months (as my youngest starts school before the end of the year) and I feel I need to do my bit and begin contributing again. My husband is a darling and has said to me before today that I am contributing in the best possible way (what a sweetheart) but I want to be as supportive of him as he has been for me (and the kids - keeping us afloat all this time!). Guess we'll see what happens in the coming months!

So yeah.... at the expense of a few luxuries, it's been worth it.

[shimmlight]

Thanks for your advice and stories everyone! It's great to have so many supportive words! 

[ponybabe]

I don't have children yet but am currently trying to conceive When I was younger, I'd always wanted to either be a stay at home mom or maybe have a part-time job if I did decide on having children (I was very back and forth on if I wanted children or not and certain years it was even a definite no ) so I could spent lots of time with my child. I was just a bit iffy on having a full-time job and then quitting to take care of my child which is why I was mostly after part-time work if possible if I decided on having children.

I've taken 2 educations but the job market here is awful for newly educated people without connections so it looks like life has chosen for me I've been considering taking a volunteer job at a shelter or something at one point since I love animals but that'll probably be when our child is starting to go to school or if it's 2-3 times a week, maybe have our child (when he/she is old enough) at a daycare center for those hours But yeah, won't be applying for anymore jobs unless we really need the money at one point, then I'll be trying for part-time work.

Anyway my biggest fear at the moment though is the same as you: how other mothers (and even other people) will perceive me when I do have a child and tell them I am a homemaker So I understand this concern. I think in Denmark though it's much less well-regarded to be a full time parent then it is in eg. the USA or other countries. I'm already being hounded by strangers for being unemployed (although now it's a choice), despite the fact that I'm not "costing" them anything since my husband provides for me. They can't say I'm sponging off of society, sponging off hard-working people while I am being lazy/picky about any jobs I did apply to (which is sooo not the case) So they see me as a sponge not contributing to society like every respectable person should and sponging off hubby instead I doubt many people here will accept the fact that I will be a stay at home mother My own mother is Danish and she was a stay at home mom as well (albeit a very poor one). One of her friends from Denmark came to visit and basically told her how could she respect herself for sponging off my father and not being respectable and getting a job and earning her own money Needless to say they never spoke again. But yeah, this is probably the reaction I'll be getting at one point

I would think that other countries are a bit more open to stay at home parents and more accepting of it. It's nice to read other's experiences here though and nice to see that some won't see me as lesser of a person

So yeah I guess what I'm saying is I understand your concerns and am in the same boat at the moment

[ashes]

I stay home with my children as well.  We have four daughters.  It is challenging, but I wouldn't have it any other way!  I did complete both my bachelor's and master's degrees in Illustration.  I do teach art classes once a week, but I'm able to do that from my home studio.  I also freelance here and there a bit, which is more for me than for making money. 

I feel that it is important for the well being of our family to have a parent stay at home ( I also have friends whose husbands are the ones who stay at home).  Not everyone feels that way, but I feel that since my husband and I chose to have a family, it is our responsibility to make sure their care is the best it can be.  And for us, that is for me to be at home.  I don't regret it, and I don't feel ashamed for it.  My mother worked growing up, but she was a teacher at our local community college, and she was able to have her hours so that she was home by the time my brother and I were out of school.  So it felt like she was a full-time stay at home mom, even though she worked 3 days a week.  I really loved having her at home - she taught me how to cook, how to bake, how to manage money - and my dad was usually home by 4 pm in the afternoons, so he spent a lot of time with us too.  Since my parents were physically there and took an active interest in my brother and I, I had a great relationship with them and was able to talk to them about lots of things.  And I knew that no matter what, they loved me.  Sure, I made mistakes, but they had such patience and love for me that I knew they were always there to support me.

I just think there is nothing more awesome than a cohesive family unit - no matter who is the one who works, or who stays at home, or does a little bit of both - making a loving home an environment for children to grow, learn, and flourish shouldn't be put down by society.

[Hervoyel]

My cousin's wife is a stay-at-home parent, and it works quite well for them - they have three young children and live in an area that would make childcare challenging, but it's what they would have wanted in any case.  They're very satisfied with their lives and seem to be well supported by their community.

 People's reactions are always going to vary quite a bit regionally though, so I think it's one of those things that people are often more comfortable in specific situations.

One of my close friends was also a stay-at-home parent for several years, and it was more challenging for her because she was living in a place where fewer people do it (so she ended up in a position where people thought she was her own children's nanny) and where it was more expensive to be a single income family.  She ended up working part time after 5 years (and they moved to a lower-cost area as well).

I kinda feel worried when people ask me what career choice I'm taking and I say I wanna be a full time parent, because lots of people don't value it as something important when in my opinion it is.

I will say one thing on career choice thing though: it's always good to have an alternate answer to this too, and that's not a statement about the value of full-time parenting, it's just because things can change.

For example, if there are financial issues and your partner can no longer support the whole family (as happened with my friend), or if you turn out to enjoy it less than you imagine (that happened with a coworker of mine - she was looking forward to her year of maternity leave and considering quitting her job afterwards, but she discovered that she didn't enjoy it (ETA: "it" being the day-to-day work, not parenting itself!) nearly as much as she'd expected, and was happy to go back to work).  Not to mention that the kids will grow up, so people will still ask "But what will you do afterwards?".  Of course people certainly can continue on as housewives (I have an aunt who never had to work), but they usually have an extra answer as well - charitable work or something of that sort.

Either way though, it's up to you what's best for your family, so don't worry about what other people think! 

[Vertefae]

My husband is a stay at home dad. Or he will be when I go back to work after maternity leave. We looked at the costs of childcare and the fact that we really wanted someone to be home with the baby as much as possible. After weighing the options it just made the most sense for one of us to stay home. We made about the same amount of money but he traveled constantly for his job. So in order for both of us to get quality time with our son, we decided he would stay home and I would keep working. Honestly it works best for me too, I love my job and would hate to leave it.