Starting a new story, anyone care to read?

[WeepingPiano]

I am working on a story with my friend and I just got the first post up!
Said friend always likes my writing, but she is my friend, so she will always say kind things to me ^w^
 
I was wondering if any of y'all might be interested in reading the first bit and maybe even following the story?
 
Here is a link to it: http://theromanticsublime.blogspot.com/
 
But I do have to warn you, it starts off with a rather... unpleasent event. It lightens up later, but still, I would have to rate it at T or T+, especially since I have no idea what my friend is going to say next. (well, I know what (ish) just not how)
 
Also, you read from the bottom post up. I have no idea if or how you can change that.

[melodys_angel]

Ill see if I can read it a bit later for you <3

[Eviecorn]

Looks interesting so far.  I'm interested in the characters.

[Candy_Bang]

This is a really interesting concept, I've never read anything like it. I'd like to read more 

[kaoskat]

Best of luck with your story! I'll try to read it a bit later once the storm passes and I'm no longer on my netbook.

[Saiko]

Oooh, I like! Darker more macabre stories are my favourite kind. Your writing is very talented, I look forward to more chapters! (I didn't read the character bios because I don't want spoilers, just tell me if you think I should read them.) I assume you were looking for some constructive critism? To be honest there was only one line I didn't like:

She did not know what was going to happen to her, but she struggled to get away none the less.

I think it's kind of redundant. I don't think you need to say she struggled to get away because she didn't know what was going to happen to her.
I would change that to something like "She desparately struggled to get away", or "She struggled to get away, even though her head ached".
It's a moment of action where the character is not thinking very much, just using instincts. We don't need to be told she doesn't know what will happen, because we don't either. Use her reaction to this say something about her personality.

Oh, also 'impacted'. I can't find an example of that word used to mean 'hit against',  so I believe it means something else. Maybe 'impacted on', is a better choice? You'd have check this with someone else though, I'm not certain.

Altogether, this is a very well written piece, you made the character and the situation very interesting in very few words, even before the action started, and when it did it was tense! I think you've got something publishable here! I can't wait to read more x

[WeepingPiano]

You guys are so kind ^w^

and yeah, Kivuli's bio is not too spoilery, but Dahlia's is, at least until the next two posts.

Constructive critisism is much appreciated and I will make edits to the story if y'all point out something that I totally missed. (my internal spell check, i.e. my brain, is not working right now, please forgive me)

I love having other people read my work and I hope y'all will stick around <3

Also, Saiko, I agree that I need to rewrite that bit. Thank you very much.

Post Merge: May 03, 2012, 01:53:20 PM

Chapter two is up.

I use the word "chapter" loosely.

This bit is my friend, not me, but my next post should be up soon.

[Saiko]

Just bumping this because I really enjoyed the latest chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next!

[WeepingPiano]

This is another reason I have trouble writing with people. Waiting for them to respond.
(also, this is the most terribly I have ever treated a character. I feel kinda bad about it)

[WeepingPiano]

New stuffs!

[Candy_Bang]

I'm really enjoying this 

[WeepingPiano]

A few new posts are up for y'all's enjoyment

[Candy_Bang]

Yay!  I've been enjoying this ^_^

[Kiwi]

Neat

[EmberBright]

Oooh, I wanna read!