First of all, if you've gone into debt over ponies you absolutely need to stop buying immediately. You should not be going into debt for toys or any other unnecessary stuff, even if its just a little. "Just a little" can get out of hand really fast because you can keep convincing yourself its just a little bit, you can pay it off later, it'll be so easy, etc. Don't get caught in that thought process. Sometimes paying off and canceling credit cards helps people with this, sometimes people can reign it back in and be okay. Just stay aware of this and keep an eye on your spending. Its dangerously easy to overspend and get yourself into a hole you can't dig out of.
Secondly, what do you mean by black rage? Does he get violent, threaten you, take his anger out on inanimate objects? Anything like that? Or does he just get upset and yell/argue with you about it? Think about what you would do if your husband suddenly became obsessed with something to the point of going into debt and amassing hundreds of whatever in such a short period of time. Ask yourself: would you be angry and yell at him, would it upset you, would you be confused and/or frustrated, would you feel like the man you married changed, do you think it would take you time to understand, etc. Would you react similarly to how he's reacting? That might help you decide if his upset is at a reasonable level since we don't know your personalities, relationship, or how angry he's getting/exactly why he's upset.
People sometimes downplay it in collecting communities but discovering something you enjoy like this and going nuts buying lots of stuff can be confusing, upsetting, and alarming to SOs. And honestly? That's a pretty normal reaction if its a drastic change. If you never showed any real interest in toys before and suddenly bought hundreds in a few months, that's a huge change. It takes time for the other partner to adjust. When you add in the collecting partner going into debt over it, of course they're going to be upset or maybe even livid. Again, that's normal and imo pretty reasonable. If my boyfriend became obsessed with something to the point of going into debt I'd be furious with him. There are healthy ways to collect and going into debt over it is NOT one of them. But anyways, adjustment takes time. Have you tried explaining why you like the ponies or what they mean to you? Have you tried discussing potential ways to live in harmony with the ponies? Letting your SO have a real say and opinion can help a lot (i.e. deciding on a designated "pony place" for display/storage together, keeping the amount of displayed ponies at a level he can handle). One thing you need to realize is that you may need to sell some of your ponies. It sucks, yes, but you messed up. You went into debt to buy toys. That's not okay. I don't blame your husband for being angry over it. That may be the only way for him to be able to deal with it. You can buy back the ponies later; the same can't be said for a relationship.
Before you make any drastic choices, unless he is threatening, abusing, or otherwise hurting you, see a couple's therapist. Talk about it, in depth and calmly, away from the ponies. Try to work this out. Try to understand where he's coming from and why he's upset. Try to help him understand why you enjoy collecting. You screwed up overspending and you need to own up to it. He needs time to process this change and understand it. This may end up being an irreparable rift but there are ways you can try to work on things before making a choice like that.
I'm glad you're okay! Its always worrying when people describe anger as stuff like "black rage" but I think I kind of get what you meant now.
I think his "never" is just his frustration speaking because if it is something you really love and can afford after reality expenses are handled, than he should have the respect that this is your collection and hobby. It to me is mostly the broken trust issue so I would start there like I said with financial transparency and getting that debt paid off and moving forward together regarding self-care
all the best in balancing keeping a rainbow in your room with a marriage and family intact :-) I'm sure with good communication you'll do fine
I agree with this quite a bit. Its definitely possible that you can find a middle ground with him and that "never"/"get rid of them all" is just from his frustration boiling over so don't throw in the towel yet. A couple's therapist or counselor could really help you here. You'll probably have to make compromises either way because of his minimalist tendencies (only have a minimal display, for example) but I wouldn't put too much stock in his desire to have them all gone just yet. Sell some of them and put the rest away in a box, closet, drawer, etc for a while if you haven't already. Leaving them out for him to see will probably just cause more frustration, stress, and fights if he has to see them all the time.
It sounds like it might help show him parts of the community once he's calmer about the whole thing. There's a documentary called "My Little Obsession" that might help him understand but you should probably watch it alone first since you'd know better than us if it could help him get it. You could even use toys as a way to make extra money if you have time/ability to scour thrift stores/yard sales/flea markets/etc for things to resell. That tends to help SOs/friends/family change their tune very fast.
Having a young child and living with parents surely doesn't help. I know how frustrating and suffocating it can be living with in-laws without a kid. I can't imagine how bad it would be with a child! He might feel like he's failing to provide for you two, for example, or maybe he's being pressured by his mom about stuff and/or is just sick of living with her. Your husband might just be dealing with too much stress and he's taking it out on the ponies since they're the straw that broke the camel's back or an easy target or something like that.
He might feel like his small amount of space is being taken over. I had a very similar issue with my boyfriend a few years ago. My pony collecting really took off when he was at school across the country so moving back in with his mom and I was kind of like a culture shock. Our bedroom was honestly a bit of a mess with displays because of how fast my collection grew. There was some frustration and annoyance having them all over the place. We never really fought but we had some disagreements and snapping at each other over it. After a little while we talked about it and I compromised by reorganizing my displays, putting some ponies away, and keeping everything neater/nicer so I wasn't just adding things on top of things. When I got new stuff I'd reorganize to fit them in better and maybe rotate what was on display. This made him feel a lot better and, surprisingly, it helped me too! I didn't even realize how much I disliked the chaos or how chaotic it had become since I was just excited to grow my collection and see my ponies. I have a lot more ponies now, and lots more on display, but they're in designated places that I keep organized as best I can. When I move stuff in the room around I ask for his opinion and keep him involved so I'm not just overpowering everything in my desire to clean up/reorganize. We haven't had any issues with the toys/displays since.
I'm also not a fan of therapists and if your thinking of professional help I wonder if a financial planner would be just as constructive? They could help you agree on mutual goals and priorities while also offering professional experience.
There's nothing wrong with therapists and its okay to need their help. If you (and your partner/family/whatever for multi-people-therapy) are willing it can make a world of difference. If any parties are not it may not help. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all and you may need to "shop around" to find one that works best for you.
A couple's therapist or counselor would be there to help you two work together as a team better, communicate, and come back to common ground. They're like a neutral party that's able to help you get better at working through things and offer qualified advice more tailored to your situation. A financial planner may help but they will
not serve the same function at all. A financial planner cannot help you communicate more effectively and its not their job to act as a neutral place to work things out the way a therapist or counselor does. If you can't communicate effectively and aren't on the same page a financial planner will not be able to help you.
And you can get sliding scale couple's counseling at many places- so please don't let the cost stop you. Especially as it could either save your relationship or at least shorten what could be years of passive aggressive fighting and hurt feelings on the issue.
In some places you can even get entirely free therapy. I know multiple states have programs/opportunities for it but I don't know if they all do. Here in Idaho we've taken advantage of fully trained people who've graduated but need so many free hours to get their license and interns. While we were in California it was suggested we might try seeing students for a severely discounted rate ($50 per visit instead of $100-200+ per) but I didn't like the idea of having a teacher watching, possibly having the student switch at random, etc. If you have a school nearby that could be an option worth pursuing too; outside of California the cost and terms would probably be at least a little better.
The only problem with these sorts of options is that you can't be all that picky and have to be able to work with what's available. Sometimes there's a lot of people available and other times you may have to wait a while, sometimes months, for anyone to be available at all. Its not for everyone but since your husband is so concerned about money it might be worth looking into.
I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that.
If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?
Just my two cents as a man.
Honestly, I have to agree here. It really doesn't sound like he's done anything abusive from what's been posted here after Zombie clarified what she meant about the "black rage" (yelling/fighting, which is totally normal). It was a really bad choice of phrase but that's it, based on what she told us. We have no idea what the full story was with the Trolls and no where did Zombie say her husband forced her to get rid of them. It sounded, to me, like she decided to get rid of them because it was just easier and she didn't want him to dislike them/tease her about it/etc. Obviously they don't have great communication as it is and when you're just getting into a relationship its not unusual for people to hide/drop interests to try and impress/not seem "dorky"/etc. Its not abusive or controlling to dislike things or think they take up space. If she freely chose to get rid of them instead of compromising or something, that's not her husband's fault. Maybe he thought she got bored of them or started to agree with him that they were unnecessary. Who knows.
As for the baby clothes/groceries, if mom is buying unnecessary stuff instead of putting anything into savings its not unreasonable to think she could buy necessities instead of toys. No couple is ever going to be 100% even with every cent they spend/save 100% of the time, especially if they keep their money separate. If not having groceries (which could mean anything from necessities to optional fun snacks etc) or baby clothes (which are super cheap secondhand) is that big an issue... stop buying the toys. If she's not saving any money and dad is trying to save so they can get away from his abusive mother, of course he's going to keep saving. Maybe it was an attempt to get Zombie to "snap out of it" and spend on the necessities instead of toys. If that's what he was trying to do I really can't blame him. Or maybe he just got so caught up in the stress of their horrible living environment that he miscalculated his finances. If Zombie isn't abusive for overspending on ponies/cell phones/whatever then her husband isn't abusive if he accidentally oversaved a bit.
I mean seriously, the poor guy is so stressed he got an ulcer. He has a tiny baby, lives with his abusive mother, his grandmother just died, and his wife is going into debt. Zombie literally said her mother-in-law is abusive and her husband is not; her #1 priority should be to get her family away from her MIL, not to buy toys. As someone who has an abusive mother, I really cannot fault her husband now that we know a bit more of the situation (and omg no, having an abusive parent does not automatically make you an abuser). Of course he wants to save and get his wife and child out of there as fast as possible. No one will ever have perfect communication 100% of the time, and it sounds like the MIL is purposely causing problems between them. They need guidance and help from a couple's therapist and to get as far away from MIL as possible. Needing help does not make you abusive.
Why are people still calling him abusive, after Zombie (who knows him better than we ever will) clearly said he is not, and ignoring the actually abusive person, who Zombie plainly said IS abusive?