Weird friend stuff. Have nowhere else to post it.

[PetSounds]

Well. I'm kind of a lurker here (even though I've used this forum for ten years, hahaha).
While I wait for Photobucket to upload to my phone so I can share some photos of my pony glamour shots, I am gonna ramble a bit.

Last week I found out that a friend who I'd known for 6 years had been lying to me, and about me, the entire time, behind my back. Just very bad and untrue stuff, to the point where I now know this person is not OK, was never my friend, and will never be my friend again. A complete betrayal. I know it's not my fault that she lied to me for the entire time of our friendship but I'm having a hard time coping with it. Wondered if anyone else had been through a similar situation. 

Right now I'm glad to have my husband, my other good friends (who show their colors in a situation like this), and you know, my life in general, which is pretty good except I'm looking for a job right now. That being said, no job means more time to paint, to make art, to restore, and to putter around the house... I've redone my entire bathroom this week and painted about 30 paintings to get all the emotions out. Anyhow. Thanks to anyone who read this.

[Taxel]

I'm so sorry. That's a tough spot to be in ): The loss of any relationship - friend, family, or romantic - takes a toll. Its okay to mourn that loss and struggle with it. 6 years is a really long time. Suddenly finding out that was all a lie is really hard.


I had a similar problem with someone I considered to be a best friend for a few years. We met online and got close enough that she actually came to visit me and stayed in our apartment for a few days. A few months later everything started to fall apart. She turned totally crazy and paranoid, making all kinds of demands and claiming some crazy fears that we'd come hunt her down or something? It was ridiculous.

A few years later another ex-friend of her's contacted me. We spoke for a while and I found out that basically everything our "friend" had ever told both of us was a lie. She'd always play victim, claim to be abused, etc when in reality she was apparently the one abusing and hurting people. By that point I didn't miss her at all anymore but it was still such a shock to find out. I thought she may have exaggerated some things, like the way people show bias when they talk about a fight or whatever. You know, like a normal amount. I never would've guessed how far she actually went that...

[PetSounds]

Wow this sounds sort of exactly like my "friend'  I'm so sorry that happened to you... I can totally imagine your shock.. : ( This is classic behavior that I've been reading about online... It is really scary how there are so many people out there who follow these patterns and leave so many of us feeling confused & betrayed....

I met this friend online too. We met pretty quickly in person but she lived in a different city so we didn't see each other a ton in person, but anytime I was in her city or she was close by to me, I would try to make an effort to go see her. It isn't weird to me anymore to have internet friends cause...the internet is how we all live now... haha.

But yeah, this person has always had a whole thing going on about how EVERYONE was horrible to her, had mistreated her, had been mean in some sense... and I really should have caught on sooner. It all came to a head because she was trying to move in w/me and my husband for a few months. Then all of a sudden it was going to be her and her boyfriend ! (Neither has jobs, and I am currently looking for a job). She didn't even ask permission. I had to put my foot down. My husband really needs his space and he wasn't super comfortable with it but he would have done it if I had asked. Also we just got married in May. I figured she would understand because we're newly married but... no.

Thanks for responding. Right now an issue is we have so many mutual friends and I pretty much use my social media only for work. I don't know what she's said or hasn't said and i can't say anything online or even post anything indicating I'm in a weird mood!! Thank you for listening <3

[ghouldilocks]

That sounds like a really awful situation; I'm so sorry that happened to you. 

I've had similar situations with online friends; I have a great group of friends who all met through Geek & Sundry, and there was a very sweet girl in the group who turned out to basically be someone catfishing all of us. It was really crazy.

Another person in that group lives local to me, so we met up in person and started hanging out some, but he turned out not to be the nicest person; I eventually had to cut ties with him, but he didn't take it well and reacted very immaturely. He was still friends with the rest of this group, but alienated himself from most of them over time as well, unfortunately. He's obviously troubled, so everyone tried to roll with it as much as we could, but in the end he was just too toxic. I only found out within the past year that he'd been telling lies to our mutual friends about why he and I had stopped talking. It was really embarrassing and made me pretty angry, but there's another person in that group I'd hung out with in person before and have become really close with, and he stood up for me when he heard it, and finding out it was all lies wasn't much of a surprise to anyone else.

The internet is an amazing and wonderful tool and resource, and can foster really great communities of friends, but there are definitely those people out there who are manipulative and will really take advantage! 

[Pokeyonekenobie]

Been there, done that.  I think I have a t-shirt somewhere...

I had a similar situation with a girl while I was going to college.  She was in some of my classes and one day I saw her standing at a bus stop as I was driving by on my way to class.  Since we were sort of friends I told her if she wanted to help pay for gas (because it was really expensive and I was only working part time for minimum wage at the time) I would detour to her house and pick her up.  She agreed to $5 a week (which would have paid for about a gallon and a half at the time) and we both agreed it was fair.  Well, she did really good at first and then she "lost her job" because "the manager" hated her or something.  So I tried to be understanding and I said it was fine, she could just pay me back when she got another job.  She got another job.  It lasted about a week because "the manager" did something she didn't like so she "quit".  Then she got another job and she "got fired" because she saw "the manager" do something he wasn't supposed to and he got rid of her so he wouldn't get in trouble.  (Do you see the pattern here?)  She went through 12 jobs in three months and every time she "quit" or "got laid off" it was because of something "the manager" did.  So basically she couldn't afford to pay gas money and (trying to be a good friend) I decided not to push the issue.  And then she started buying all sorts of new things.  She "needed" a Halloween costume.  And makeup.  And a new purse.  And a $75 special edition of a movie for her mom's birthday.  And it went on and on and on.  It was annoying and frustrating because she always had an excuse as to why she couldn't chip in for gas.  Ever. 

Add on top of that that she lived in a single-wide trailer with 37 cats and three dogs.  None of which were trained to do their business outside or in a litter box (because "training animals is just mean and we love our animals so we wouldn't do that to them"<--yes, she told me that).  So she smelled.  Bad.  And, being in the Theatre department, hygiene is considered VERY important.  She couldn't understand why she wasn't being cast in any shows.  She blamed the directors.  The other students begged me to talk to her, so I casually mentioned that she might want to try keeping her pets out of her room because maybe the animal smell was affecting the directors' decisions.  I also pointed out that she skipped class quite often and since the directors were our professors, maybe they thought she would also skip rehearsals.  Aaaand she lost it.  She started telling everyone that I was trying to control her life and all sorts of crazy things.  So I quit talking to her.  I said I was done and since she clearly didn't want to be friends, we didn't have to be.  The next semester one of the professors told her not to come back to class until her smell was under control.  Somehow, she blamed me for that but I didn't care because I'd graduated and she was still a sophomore after six years.  As far as I know, she's still a sophomore there (and I graduated nine years ago). 

We had a mutual friend (we'll call her Stacy).  Stacy had been friends with her longer than I had and a couple of years after I stopped being friends with her, the girl pushed Stacy into not being friends as well.  Here's the thing, she told Stacy that the only reason they weren't friends was because I was controlling Stacy's life and had told Stacy not to be friends with her anymore.  Of course Stacy knew that wasn't true and told her as much.  Then this girl wrote up a big thing on Facebook and since Stacy was friends with her, she told her off on Facebook and told her to quit telling lies about me and the girl did take down her post because she knew that everyone who knew Stacy would believe Stacy over her (especially since most of her Facebook "friends" only friended her since she was friends with Stacy) and Stacy unfriended her.

Trust me, you don't need the crazies in your life.  It sucks that your "friend" betrayed you but if that's how she's going to be, you're better off in the long run. 

[Taxel]

Wow this sounds sort of exactly like my "friend'  I'm so sorry that happened to you... I can totally imagine your shock.. : ( This is classic behavior that I've been reading about online... It is really scary how there are so many people out there who follow these patterns and leave so many of us feeling confused & betrayed....

I met this friend online too. We met pretty quickly in person but she lived in a different city so we didn't see each other a ton in person, but anytime I was in her city or she was close by to me, I would try to make an effort to go see her. It isn't weird to me anymore to have internet friends cause...the internet is how we all live now... haha.

But yeah, this person has always had a whole thing going on about how EVERYONE was horrible to her, had mistreated her, had been mean in some sense... and I really should have caught on sooner. It all came to a head because she was trying to move in w/me and my husband for a few months. Then all of a sudden it was going to be her and her boyfriend ! (Neither has jobs, and I am currently looking for a job). She didn't even ask permission. I had to put my foot down. My husband really needs his space and he wasn't super comfortable with it but he would have done it if I had asked. Also we just got married in May. I figured she would understand because we're newly married but... no.

Thanks for responding. Right now an issue is we have so many mutual friends and I pretty much use my social media only for work. I don't know what she's said or hasn't said and i can't say anything online or even post anything indicating I'm in a weird mood!! Thank you for listening <3

Wow, yeah, they really do sound the same!

My ex-friend was always going on about how her boyfriend abused her but would cut off anyone who dared bring it up/say a single bad word about him/etc. It was like walking on eggshells constantly. I had an abusive mother and my father is still stuck in that abusive relationship so I take these things very seriously. I was so worried about her but had to be EXTREMELY careful or she'd cut me off without a word. (After we stopped speaking I saw her crying about how no one ever told her how evil and mean and abusive her boyfriend was, and therefore none of her friends ever cared about her.)

She was always, always, always the victim. Her mom was abusive (no she wasn't), her friends were mean (no they weren't), people made fun of her (probably, cause humans, but not for any reason she complained about), everyone was out to get her (no one cared), her brother was evil (he was just a regular annoying brother), her college roomate was so inconsiderate and horrible (maybe to some degree but no worse than my friend was to her), and just on and on and on like that. She always had to be treated with such delicate gloves and was always making up new rules to be allowed to talk to her. And she was always forcing me to give her things and do things I wasn't totally comfortable with because she wanted it, even if she didn't actually truly want it (if that makes sense). It was absolutely exhausting. Honestly, after trying so hard not to step on her toes when she visited I was kind of totally worn out...

In a way it was a relief when she apparently lost her mind (everything she claimed was more lies, I'm totally sure of it). She claimed she spent an entire day or two cowering in fear in her dorm room because... we had a slight disagreement and I told her to stop letting people walk all over her and steal her money?? Which she CONSTANTLY complained about. She had like, hundreds of dollars allegedly stolen from her because she supposedly downright refused to file Paypal claims/open cases/etc. So she claimed she thought my boyfriend would go to her school like 12 hours away (when we had NO money for anything, much less hundreds for gas) and attack her or something? Because of that? He would never ever do something like that. She spent days with him! They spoke from time to time, like acquaintances! It was just insane.

Afterwards she tried to use some of the hardest things I've gone through against me. Thankfully I'm not psycho so it didn't actually bother me, but I did see right through her plan and what she was trying to do. It was ridiculous and just... so downright nasty (if I had done similar I'm 100% sure it would have supposedly caused her to have a complete breakdown).


But anyways yeah, abusive friends are just terrible ): Its even harder to go through because so many people consider online friendships to be "fake" anyways (when it happens online) or just think it doesn't matter because you can just make new friends. Its tough though. It hurts.

[PetSounds]

Aw geez... what a mess!! I'm sorry you went through this, too.

It's so frustrating when people lie like that. Especially in a way where you could find out. I know all of us get annoyed from time to time with our s/o, best friend, whatever... sometimes you need a place to vent. I think that's very healthy. So when I needed to vent about my ex-friend, I'd go to someone who didn't know her and just say something like ... "I gotta vent, my friend is going through a tough time and is leaning on me 100% of the time and I'm so tired."

It's amazing to me that my ex-friend lied so much about me to our mutual friend here in town, who lives about 2 minutes from my house. I don't see her every day or anything but.... come on. Did you think you were going to tell all those lies, and after 3 years of our mutual friend living here, I wasn't going to hear about it at some point? AUGH. I am so grateful to the great internet for community, friends, ponies (hehe) and so many other things. But every now and again a bad apple does pop up. Pretty sad.

That sounds like a really awful situation; I'm so sorry that happened to you. 

I've had similar situations with online friends; I have a great group of friends who all met through Geek & Sundry, and there was a very sweet girl in the group who turned out to basically be someone catfishing all of us. It was really crazy.

Another person in that group lives local to me, so we met up in person and started hanging out some, but he turned out not to be the nicest person; I eventually had to cut ties with him, but he didn't take it well and reacted very immaturely. He was still friends with the rest of this group, but alienated himself from most of them over time as well, unfortunately. He's obviously troubled, so everyone tried to roll with it as much as we could, but in the end he was just too toxic. I only found out within the past year that he'd been telling lies to our mutual friends about why he and I had stopped talking. It was really embarrassing and made me pretty angry, but there's another person in that group I'd hung out with in person before and have become really close with, and he stood up for me when he heard it, and finding out it was all lies wasn't much of a surprise to anyone else.

The internet is an amazing and wonderful tool and resource, and can foster really great communities of friends, but there are definitely those people out there who are manipulative and will really take advantage! 

Post Merge: October 19, 2016, 12:19:08 AM

Wow this sounds sort of exactly like my "friend'  I'm so sorry that happened to you... I can totally imagine your shock.. : ( This is classic behavior that I've been reading about online... It is really scary how there are so many people out there who follow these patterns and leave so many of us feeling confused & betrayed....

I met this friend online too. We met pretty quickly in person but she lived in a different city so we didn't see each other a ton in person, but anytime I was in her city or she was close by to me, I would try to make an effort to go see her. It isn't weird to me anymore to have internet friends cause...the internet is how we all live now... haha.

But yeah, this person has always had a whole thing going on about how EVERYONE was horrible to her, had mistreated her, had been mean in some sense... and I really should have caught on sooner. It all came to a head because she was trying to move in w/me and my husband for a few months. Then all of a sudden it was going to be her and her boyfriend ! (Neither has jobs, and I am currently looking for a job). She didn't even ask permission. I had to put my foot down. My husband really needs his space and he wasn't super comfortable with it but he would have done it if I had asked. Also we just got married in May. I figured she would understand because we're newly married but... no.

Thanks for responding. Right now an issue is we have so many mutual friends and I pretty much use my social media only for work. I don't know what she's said or hasn't said and i can't say anything online or even post anything indicating I'm in a weird mood!! Thank you for listening <3

Wow, yeah, they really do sound the same!

My ex-friend was always going on about how her boyfriend abused her but would cut off anyone who dared bring it up/say a single bad word about him/etc. It was like walking on eggshells constantly. I had an abusive mother and my father is still stuck in that abusive relationship so I take these things very seriously. I was so worried about her but had to be EXTREMELY careful or she'd cut me off without a word. (After we stopped speaking I saw her crying about how no one ever told her how evil and mean and abusive her boyfriend was, and therefore none of her friends ever cared about her.)

She was always, always, always the victim. Her mom was abusive (no she wasn't), her friends were mean (no they weren't), people made fun of her (probably, cause humans, but not for any reason she complained about), everyone was out to get her (no one cared), her brother was evil (he was just a regular annoying brother), her college roomate was so inconsiderate and horrible (maybe to some degree but no worse than my friend was to her), and just on and on and on like that. She always had to be treated with such delicate gloves and was always making up new rules to be allowed to talk to her. And she was always forcing me to give her things and do things I wasn't totally comfortable with because she wanted it, even if she didn't actually truly want it (if that makes sense). It was absolutely exhausting. Honestly, after trying so hard not to step on her toes when she visited I was kind of totally worn out...

In a way it was a relief when she apparently lost her mind (everything she claimed was more lies, I'm totally sure of it). She claimed she spent an entire day or two cowering in fear in her dorm room because... we had a slight disagreement and I told her to stop letting people walk all over her and steal her money?? Which she CONSTANTLY complained about. She had like, hundreds of dollars allegedly stolen from her because she supposedly downright refused to file Paypal claims/open cases/etc. So she claimed she thought my boyfriend would go to her school like 12 hours away (when we had NO money for anything, much less hundreds for gas) and attack her or something? Because of that? He would never ever do something like that. She spent days with him! They spoke from time to time, like acquaintances! It was just insane.

Afterwards she tried to use some of the hardest things I've gone through against me. Thankfully I'm not psycho so it didn't actually bother me, but I did see right through her plan and what she was trying to do. It was ridiculous and just... so downright nasty (if I had done similar I'm 100% sure it would have supposedly caused her to have a complete breakdown).


But anyways yeah, abusive friends are just terrible ): Its even harder to go through because so many people consider online friendships to be "fake" anyways (when it happens online) or just think it doesn't matter because you can just make new friends. Its tough though. It hurts.

If you'd like a big virtual hug,I have one for spare. So much of this is so familiar to me. <3 

I grew up w an abusive stepdad and I'm the oldest of 5. So like, if I didn't have my life together, my sisters and brothers didn't get to school, didn't get to practice, didn't eat dinner... I didn't get to think about much when it came to myself, I always had to take care of everyone else and find ways to cope with someone who would just start screaming at the drop of a hat. So when people come into my life and are so needy 24/7 -- it's so unhealthy and I am working on changing it -- but it is a natural state for me to be in of taking care of everyone but myself.

If some of the details of your story were a little different I'd swear we were talking about the same person. Everyone else was always the bad guy. Never her. She would take a normal issue (going on a bad date, or dating someone for a few months and then finding out they weren't compatible) and turn it into the biggest issue that ever was, and of course, every bad thing int he world only happened to her. And when someone "wronged' her, she'd drag their name all over social media and let everyone know how awful and horrible this person was to her, and how she was just so upset... it was so easy to see it only through her eyes.

Three years ago or something, we got into a fight. The night before the fight, I had went through a sensitive issue that I felt I could talk to her about. She started texting me in the morning like , how are you. And I said "well actually I went through this sensitive thing last night and I'm not feeling so great." I didn't need her to hold my hand or anything, I just wanted to hear my friend say, "Oh that is too bad, " or "sorry you're going through that." Instead she went off on me and said that I had the perfect life, (???) and she didn't understand why I had everything and she had nothing. All of this because I wanted to hear her say "I'm sorry something crappy happened to you last night"   
So I emailed her an explanation, an apology, and an invitation to a conversation. She didn't write me back for 4 months, and then when she did it was a fake apology about what horrible person she was and how she just couldn't be a good friend at all. It was so fake, but I let it go because... of course, her life is so horrible and she had nobody. So we started being friends again. I thought that we had worked it out, only to find out from our mutual friend that she had been bringing this * one fight * up for the past two years!! I mean, come on.

I got a horrible email from her last night at 4am. I was still up because I felt so terrible. it was just such a mean and nasty email about how I'm the worst person in the world essentially. it was dripping with self-congratulations as well, like I know she feels great about sending me an email designed to make me feel like crap. And I'm still afraid that I will lose a ton of friends because of this. But I guess there's no way other than to go through it.

Today I was driving to my friends' house and I literally spaced out. I was driving on the freeway and I was so far in my head I snapped out of it and thought I was lost... I was totally sober and had eaten breakfast and had caffeine and everything. It really scared me. My head is swimming with everything from the past and how I could have missed all the signs, I am so in my head about this I can't even drive.

Thanks for listening and responding. I hate that this has happened to anyone else. It doesn't matter if a friend isn't local, if you talk to them often and interact with them online and stuff its' basically the same thing as anyone else, where you get to know them and start to care. It'm also frustrated because I can barely find any material about friendships that are truly abusive as opposed to just toxic. It is a fine line, and a toxic friend can wreck your life in the same way. I'm aghast at what has happened and glad to be distracting myself. In good news, my DH is highly supportive of the pony habit right now because it's giving me something to do. Always gotta find a silver lining