My pony collection or my spouse (serious advice)

[Loa]

I think there is some amazing advice here, and my only additional comment is that the two of you need to talk.
It sounds like you are on different financial spectrum and that is not a good thing!

[Shatyr]

He guilt tripped you into selling your other collection because it was unsightly to him...

I'm glad I'm not the only person who noticed that.

I think it would be good for the two of you to sit down and have a long conversation about what your collection means to you and why it's important to you to have it. If someone told me that I could not have my collection because it bothered them, I would start to wonder if something else was going on. Did they mean having it in the living room bothered them? The bedroom? scattered throughout the house? Or does the thought of large numbers of colorful plastic ponies existing anywhere in the house evoke a gut denial? Minimalist tendencies or lifestyles does not mean no collections. It means smaller, more constrained, and possibly out of regular sight.

Now, the finances thing is another matter. You should never, ever go into debt for a hobby. I agree that you should scale back, pick maybe 10 to keep for now and sell the others. Pay back what you owe to friends and family, possibly mention that you'd love to get vintage ponies for birthday/holiday presents, and set a monthly spending budget.

I'll echo what I've read in other responses. A couples therapist sounds like a great idea. A financial advisor might be someone to turn to after/during that. And an honest talk about financial expectations and making sure both of you are providing for the Now in addition to the Future sounds like a very good idea.

[ponycake]

I'd say keep what you have (telling you you can't collect something/have something... no, not okay) but please stop spending money you don't have for them. I've been there, I was buying stuff to deal with depression, it's not a good place and you have to stop while you're ahead.

[Shy Violet]

You've gotten lots of good advice already. I have to agree that I think part of the problem is the minimalist/collector personality differences. There will need to be a balance and some compromise on both ends.

I really think having a joint bank account is crucial. You two can figure out how much your monthly expenses are, give you each a set amount of spending money and put the rest into savings. This has worked wonders for my husband and I. We get cash for our spending money and we can manage that and spend that how we each wish. My hubby gets cranky about my collection too but it's my spending money and I can spend it how I want. If you run out of spending money then no more spending until next pay cheque.

Unfortunately you may have to downsize your collection a bit to pay off your debt. Just remember that you can get them again later. Pick your favorites and sell some a little bit at a time. I think that this will show him that you are taking things seriously and acknowledging that you went overboard and are trying to remedy that.

Ultimately you have a right to have a collection if that makes you happy and he has no right to ask you to get rid of the entire collection. Just remember you have your whole life ahead of you and you will have lots of time to grow your collection later on. In the short term work on getting out of debt and coming up with a financial plan with your hubby so that you are both satisfied.

[northstar3184]

As others have said, you have a right to collect as long as your spending is within reason and it doesn't negatively impact your current and future necessities (e.g. being able to save for a home, etc..). That said, I feel his reaction is justified given the circumstances. I know if I was with someone, and we were residing with my family while providing for our child, and we went into debt over that person's spending on hobbies I'd be absolutely furious. It would cause me to question the person's dedication to our family and our future, their priorities, and wonder if I was being taken advantage of when they aren't paying their fair share of the expenses while residing with my family.

I would recommend counseling, as others have had, because what you've described sounds like a possible spending/collecting addiction. Someone who has experience working with people with addictions could help you work through the underlying issues that have led to this situation and help you both work through the impact, both of which will help prevent future problems.

[Epona]

My hubby and I have had both financial counseling for MAJOR debt issues, and couples counseling. We did it for different reasons than yours, but we did get a lot out of it.
The biggest thing that came out of the couples counseling was teaching us about "fair fighting". All couples disagree about things but its important that the disagreement needs to properly communicate both peoples feelings and opinions. Not just one person yelling at the other. It has to be at an appropriate time and place. Not late at night when one person has to get up early for work, or in front of other people.  The purpose of the conversation must be about trying to solve a problem, not just insisting that their way is the only way. etc. etc.
Having a 3rd party help with financial planning should help find a middle ground and create a budget that you can both be comfortable with.
Once you have cleared the debt you have created you can add in "fun money" to the budget. (we call it our allowance as a little joke) For us its $20 per person  out of each pay check to spend on whatever we want. I get ponies, he gets lego or something else.

Personally I wouldn't sell the ponies that you have except for doubles. My collection is much larger than what I can display. I keep most of my ponies stored in a wardrobe or in totes under the bed. I rotate and change my pony displays so that I  get a chance to display everybody but not every surface in the house is covered by ponies.  Maybe designate a display area that shows 5-10 ponies and rotate it continually. I have a lot of fun changing the displays and picking which ponies get to come out this time. Have fun with the displays, make paper props, or add cards as back drops like elf on the shelf. If they are contained to a small designated area it might feel less overwhelming for your hubby.

[Aurora]

I'm so sorry that this is happening, and you've gotten a lot of good advice. I'm actually taking a lot of it to heart myself, even though my boat is a little different than yours.

The only thing I will add is that there are many pony things that you can do that don't cost money- some others have touched on it with the props and back drops. I've been doing a lot with the back-cards and inserts that I've collected over the years, and it's also just fun coming here and talking with other pony collectors about their treasures.

I also used to live in an apartment, so there wasn't much room for the ponies. Probably once a week I would pull the box of ponies out of the closet and play with them. It was nice, and there was no mess afterwards- everyone back into the box!

I have a three-year-old, and I didn't realize that he would have such a profound effect on my collecting. Not just the money, but the fact that I didn't have the time I used to for collecting. And that it used to be a private thing I did, but now I sort of have to share it with him if I want any time to the ponies at all. Kids are stressful, even if that stress is fun and full of love.

I've been to therapists, too, though not group or couples therapy. It was wonderful- they know how to ask questions that I would never to think to ask, and they have advice that may be helpful, or you can chose to ignore. Don't dismiss them without a second thought.

Big hugs as you get this worked out- my heart goes out to you!

[Galactica]

Communicating about the issues that are important to you both (your collection vs. his financial concerns) is absolutely critical to your relationship.  However- it sounds like you two are communicating pretty poorly at present. And the fact that he says he goes into a "black rage" when he sees your ponies- and the fact that you are going into debt buying ponies- are red flags that suggest you are not going to reach common ground without a lot of work.

I think if you value your relationship- you will get both of your butts into a couple's therapy appointment.  The therapist is a mediator that will help keep things from escalating- and who can also give suggestions for addressing both of your concerns (and helping you with strategies for communicating in the future).

And you can get sliding scale couple's counseling at many places- so please don't let the cost stop you. Especially as it could either save your relationship or at least shorten what could be years of passive aggressive fighting and hurt feelings on the issue. 

[Taxel]

And you can get sliding scale couple's counseling at many places- so please don't let the cost stop you. Especially as it could either save your relationship or at least shorten what could be years of passive aggressive fighting and hurt feelings on the issue. 

In some places you can even get entirely free therapy. I know multiple states have programs/opportunities for it but I don't know if they all do. Here in Idaho we've taken advantage of fully trained people who've graduated but need so many free hours to get their license and interns. While we were in California it was suggested we might try seeing students for a severely discounted rate ($50 per visit instead of $100-200+ per) but I didn't like the idea of having a teacher watching, possibly having the student switch at random, etc. If you have a school nearby that could be an option worth pursuing too; outside of California the cost and terms would probably be at least a little better.

The only problem with these sorts of options is that you can't be all that picky and have to be able to work with what's available. Sometimes there's a lot of people available and other times you may have to wait a while, sometimes months, for anyone to be available at all. Its not for everyone but since your husband is so concerned about money it might be worth looking into.

[PJSparkles]

As someone with self-admitted hoarding tendencies, I can definitely see where both you and your husband are coming from. I love the excitement of finding new ponies and fixing them up, but I have a LOT of hobbies and a lot of things that I collect and I spend too much money on them instead of on practical things. My room has gotten entirely out of my control with how much stuff I have, so it's a valid worry that possessions can possess you. Even still, getting rid of ALL of them because he doesn't like them seems unreasonable.

I'm not sure what the case may be for you, but in my case my rapid collecting binges are my unhealthy way of dealing with stress and depression. It may help to take a step back and avoid spending on ponies for a while and examine why you collect them and how many you really need, and how much you're willing to spend on them. Sometimes, looking at how much space and money your collection takes up puts into perspective whether or not you need to take a break or start selling parts of it off. Try to have a calm heart to heart with your husband (if he is indeed just a bit upset and not getting violent--in which case, that's another story altogether), preferably with a marriage counselor or therapist involved. I'd hate to see things go sour.

I hope everything is ok, and that you two figure things out soon!

[zombie85chick]

Wow, thank you for all the thoughtful responses! You are an amazing group of people and it means so much to me.
We have been through a lot. I meant Brock (my spouse) about 4 years ago. We had only been dating for six months when I found out I was pregnant. I'm incredibly lucky. He was incredibly supportive throughout my pregnancy. He is a doting father. When we moved in with his mom it was to save money but more importantly go back to school. She has put us both through a lot. She has even been verbally abusive, passive aggressive and condescending. I think my money issue has just been the cherry on top of everything. Oh and his mom is a therapist but also a lunatic. Sorry, but she has added so many problems and seems to purposefully cause problems.
He is trying so hard. His grandma died in October and it only caused him to become even more angry and sad. He tells me that it has contributed greatly to his inability to handle anything. He got an ulcer was put on medication and even vomited blood. Like I said, tons of stress.
I will keep you all posted but I am having a pony sell to get rid of duplicates.i think he likes that and it seems to calm him just a little. And I think therapy would be extremely helpful. I'll seriously look into it.
Again, thank you for all the responses!

[Snapdragon]

There's been some great advice in this thread! I hope you really consider all of it.

I'm laying in bed right now trying to think of something he could over spend on that would upset me. I'm not sure how this will come off but sometimes he can put too much into savings out of his paycheck. To a point where he can only buy groceries once or can't really help buy baby clothes.

This really bothers me. He's so frugal that he'll just refuse to spend money on groceries or baby clothes if he feels he hasn't saved enough? That's a pretty big red flag if that's actually happening. Honestly it sounds like both of you have problems with money. You just both swing in wildly different ways of viewing money.

Even though he's not abusive, he sounds controlling in a passive aggressive kind of way. He guilt tripped you into selling your other collection because it was unsightly to him... That's another big red flag to me.

Seconding this! Forcing your partner to get rid of something they love/enjoy is a BIG red flag for abuse, and is often a precursor to "real" abuse. (It's an emotional abuse, which some people struggle to consider 'real' if you don't come out of it with bruises, but it definitely counts!) Especially making you get rid of something you already owned... eesh. I'd be packing my bags, but I know that it's not that simple in your position. Still, I'm sorry for you! It sounds like you need someone in your corner, and ponies definitely can help fill a void for comfort that everyone needs.

I'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off!

One thing to consider is that it sounds like you are in a miserably difficult situation!! It is very easy to fall into debt pursuing things that will make you feel better when you are trapped in a house with a hellbeast MIL, a penny pinching husband who goes into "black rages" and pressures you into tossing things you love, and a newborn! That's a surefire recipe for stress (heck, even just a new baby will cause stress!), and stress is the fastest way to finding unhealthy things to make you feel better in the short term, but worse in the long term. You're coping with a rough situation, and while you didn't pick the best way to cope, you didn't pick the worst! Small favors?

Basically, everyone's already covered the basics, so I won't repeat them! Therapy isn't a punishment, but it sounds like it might be really helpful to help you and him communicate. Although you say his yelling isn't 'that bad', it sounds like he's treating you like a child, forcing you to give up things you love in a passive-aggressive and controlling manner, and under spending while you're over spending. A therapist can give you a more unbiased opinion of your situation, and give you advice on what you can do to ease the difficult communication you're having. A therapist might even be able to help you figure out why you're overspending, and how you can curb those urges, and find better ways to cope with the stresses in your life.

One thing to remember; the hellbeast MIL you're living with is the person who raised your husband, and for better or worse, he learned things from her by osmosis - good and bad. Her passive-aggression and cruelty may appear in him quite easily (and it sounds like it's already beginning to, in small doses), if he never consciously acknowledged/rejected her bad behaviors, and you need to be careful of that emerging during your marriage. You deserve better!!

All the best, pal! I hope you can get some assistance to help you past this rough patch!

[northstar3184]

I'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off!

She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts.

And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.

I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that.

If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?

Just my two cents as a man.

[Wardah]

I'm worried for you from the very start because you say he subscribes to the Fight Club mentality, and from what I've seen, Fight Club is a toxic pit of self-destructive hypermasculinity that was never intended to be taken as any kind of life guide. (The dude who wrote it even said he wouldn't let his daughter date anyone who loved Fight Club!) But if he's okay otherwise, then I will assume this is simply one of his flaws you've learned to live with! It sounds like he needs to understand that a marriage isn't a cloning process; he may be a minimalist, and that's fine, but you don't have to be exactly the same as him! You're still your own person, even if you're married! If you can keep the spending to within a healthy, budgeted limit that you both agree is appropriate, he needs to back off!

She said he quotes a phrase from Fight Club, not that he subscribes to "The Fight Club mentality" There's a huge difference there. Someone can quote Romeo & Juliet; that doesn't mean they believe that couples should make suicide pacts.

And people keep going back to him using the expression "black rage" as if in using that phrase he's done some sort of wrong; it's just a phrase. Since he hasn't acted violently, I don't see why anyone would take it as more than that.

I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that.

If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?

Just my two cents as a man.

Honestly abuse is wrong to no matter what the gender of the person doing it. Women are actually frequently perpetrators of emotional abuse but it's often just laughed off as "nagging" despite it being just as damaging emotionally as when a guy does it to a woman.

It's not that he's upset but how he's handling it that's the issue. Balance is key but it seems like he is trying to force her to conform to his wishes with no regard for her wishes and tbh that's not healthy.

[Taxel]

I really feel like the reactions here exemplify a move in society to paint men as abusive by default whenever there's a conflict in a relationship, and as a man I take great offense to that.

If others were in his shoes, living with his family, while the mother of his child is frivolously spending instead of contributing to bills or saving for their future, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you feel as if you were being taken advantage of? Wouldn't you question that person's dedication to the couple's future when she's spending rather than setting savings aside to help get their own home? Would your reactions to this situation be different if the sexes were reversed?

Just my two cents as a man.

Honestly, I have to agree here. It really doesn't sound like he's done anything abusive from what's been posted here after Zombie clarified what she meant about the "black rage" (yelling/fighting, which is totally normal). It was a really bad choice of phrase but that's it, based on what she told us. We have no idea what the full story was with the Trolls and no where did Zombie say her husband forced her to get rid of them. It sounded, to me, like she decided to get rid of them because it was just easier and she didn't want him to dislike them/tease her about it/etc. Obviously they don't have great communication as it is and when you're just getting into a relationship its not unusual for people to hide/drop interests to try and impress/not seem "dorky"/etc. Its not abusive or controlling to dislike things or think they take up space. If she freely chose to get rid of them instead of compromising or something, that's not her husband's fault. Maybe he thought she got bored of them or started to agree with him that they were unnecessary. Who knows.

As for the baby clothes/groceries, if mom is buying unnecessary stuff instead of putting anything into savings its not unreasonable to think she could buy necessities instead of toys. No couple is ever going to be 100% even with every cent they spend/save 100% of the time, especially if they keep their money separate. If not having groceries (which could mean anything from necessities to optional fun snacks etc) or baby clothes (which are super cheap secondhand) is that big an issue... stop buying the toys. If she's not saving any money and dad is trying to save so they can get away from his abusive mother, of course he's going to keep saving. Maybe it was an attempt to get Zombie to "snap out of it" and spend on the necessities instead of toys. If that's what he was trying to do I really can't blame him. Or maybe he just got so caught up in the stress of their horrible living environment that he miscalculated his finances. If Zombie isn't abusive for overspending on ponies/cell phones/whatever then her husband isn't abusive if he accidentally oversaved a bit.

I mean seriously, the poor guy is so stressed he got an ulcer. He has a tiny baby, lives with his abusive mother, his grandmother just died, and his wife is going into debt. Zombie literally said her mother-in-law is abusive and her husband is not; her #1 priority should be to get her family away from her MIL, not to buy toys. As someone who has an abusive mother, I really cannot fault her husband now that we know a bit more of the situation (and omg no, having an abusive parent does not automatically make you an abuser). Of course he wants to save and get his wife and child out of there as fast as possible. No one will ever have perfect communication 100% of the time, and it sounds like the MIL is purposely causing problems between them. They need guidance and help from a couple's therapist and to get as far away from MIL as possible. Needing help does not make you abusive.

Why are people still calling him abusive, after Zombie (who knows him better than we ever will) clearly said he is not, and ignoring the actually abusive person, who Zombie plainly said IS abusive?