People Pleaser? Avoiding Conflict? Multiple 2nd Chances?

[Satin Slipper]

I'm realizing that I'm definitely a people pleaser because I care more about my friends and their comfort over my own.  I feel the need to avoid conflict.  I will state my boundaries, friends agree to my boundaries but violate my boundaries, then I will get rid of the boundaries I created.

For example, seperate checks at restaurants which my friends agree too then order an obsence amount of food then claim they forgot their wallet.
Other times, if the waiter can't give seperate checks, I just order water but then my friend will order for me, eat half of the food meant for me then not want to contribute anything at all.    Basically, they insisted on going out to a specific restaurant, just didn't want to eat alone, wanted more food (hence eating the food they ordered for me) and refuse to contribute to the bill - huge sense of ENTITLEMENT!!! 

If I try to remind them of my Finances and Boundaries, they'll flip out so I just pay for whatever to avoid them creating a scene. 
I hear apologize so I give multiple chances then nothing changes. 
I don't want money to come between friendships, because I value my friends but then wind up having to pay for friends who skip out on their restaurant bills.  I'm feeling what upsets me isnt neccessary the money but moreover my friend(s) not respecting my boundaries.   


Can anyone relate?  Or Does anyone have any advice?

[LadyAmalthea]

I can't even imagine having friends that do this...if I did, I don't think we'd be friends for very long! But maybe next time I would suggest going to the type of restaurant where you pay at the counter, like a Panera-type of place maybe, so you each pay individually before you sit down, so there's no question about who's paying for what. If your friends don't have money up front, they don't eat! And then order something you know they don't like, so you know they won't steal it.

Not quite the same situation, but the closest thing I've ever had happen was eating at an Italian restaurant with my husband's family, where everyone was ordering individual entrees. I, on the other hand, ordered a whole pizza instead, with the intention to portion it out to my 3 little kids (they are picky eaters and were unlikely to eat anything else on the menu), and hopefully have leftovers for lunch the next day. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, a whole pizza suddenly becomes public property, and after everyone had finished their meals, they started helping themselves to it. I was so mad...that was my dinner! I had been so busy getting the kids fed and schlepping them to the bathroom 8 million times, and had only gotten 2 small pieces. Then my husband's dad ended up picking up the tab, so I felt like I didn't have the right to complain or order something else. So yes, I can agree that it is frustrating when people eat your food!

[Pokeyonekenobie]

When your food comes to your table, immediately pretend to sneeze on it.  No one will touch it then...

Also, if you bring cash to pay, then you can claim that you left your card at home and only have this much.  Sorry, you don't have extra for their food.  Then they'll have to figure something out with the restaurant.

[Marshie]

This person seems like one big entitled loser (no offense). I don't handle these things one bit, but I know some people are more forgiving. This keeps happening over and over, from what I can tell. Personally, I would either stop going out to get food with them or follow the steps that Pokey listed.

[Artemesia's Garden]

I agree this is bizarre. I have lived inexpensively for many years of my life and have friends who do the same. We cook for each otehr or go out for meals in places pre-agreed so we know how much to expect to pay.

If for some reason you value this friendship regardless of these issues I'd definitely use the trick that Pokey suggests - it will surprise them but should make your point without causing a confrontation!

[Thimble]

This is NOT friend behavior.  I would walk out and leave them to pay for what they ordered, as soon as they started ordering for you. Just leave. (In the case that you were having water and they order for you.)
If you can't bring yourself to be that upfront, then avoid the conflict in the effective, healthy manner ....avoid their company!  Noone should treat you this way. 

If they can't be trusted to respect your needs, then stop trusting them! Don't give them the opportunity to do it, just avoid the situation entirely. Ghost 'em when they ask you to go out.
Heck, you don't even have to drop them entirely, though personally, I would but eh. Just be unavailable to eat out.

Friend is not synonymous with doormat. You can definitely have higher standards than this.

[banditpony]

Do you REALLY like these people as friends... and is this the only issue you have with them ?  If so, I wouldn't eat with them anymore. If there are other issues, just slowly dissolve the friendship.

But really... they "flip out" when you remind them of your finance and boundaries? Uhhhh. That's not friend behavior, that's manipulative.

[Ponybookworm]

Everybody has already said what I'd say. This is not friendship, this is scrounging.

DO NOT put up with this any longer. I know you hate conflict, but these people don't respect you or your hard work which earned the money.

They need to be told to pay up or no more restaurants.

If people need to be TOLD to respect you they are not true friends & you need to say this.

I can relate because people have used me for money in the past & I've had to remove them from my life because of it. It hurts but it must be done.

[True]

Uh yeah this is utterly ridiculous and classic manipulation... I put up with this kinda stuff for a long time, and slowly cut out those friends when I realized their friendship, literally had a price tag!

I had one friend, who called me "best friend" and we were best friends since 6th grade, so it went deep.. she was very bossy but I felt like I owed her because she always said we were best friends. I didn't have money for most of my teen-young adult life, so she was always insisting to go out to eat, I told her I couldn't pay for my meals and I wasn't comfortable with people buying things for me, but she would harasse me until I agreed. She would order food for me like I was a child because she was the one that would pay.. (honestly if she had let me order my own food, i would have just ordered the cheapest thing) And then the whole event would just be me listening to her talk about her wonderful life and/or drama..  Eventually I started working and making a good living, but she no longer lives in the area, so she visits about once a year, and I offered to bring her out to eat, so we could catch up and I would pay for her meal, because that was something I could do now. She was somewhat rudely in shock that I could afford to pay for things... And then when I told her "no really order whatever you want, its on me!" She ordered TWO FULL DINNERS! I was in such shock I didnt even know what to say!

But that was my wake up call, I thought a lot about the dynamic of our friendship over the years, and it  wasnt pretty. It needed to end! No one deserves to put up with weird manipulative behavior!

[Taffeta]

I understand not wanting confrontation. I have also gone out of my way to avoid that, and also suffer physical consequences when confrontation happens, even when it's not my fault. So I understand why you want to avoid that.

What everyone else is saying is right, though. Sometimes you have to.

I had a relationship with someone for some time who I wanted to believe in, but eventually I realised that I was better off not communicating with them. I cried. A lot. It hurt. It was hard. It is still hard to recognise what I thought that was and what he made it - but it was the right thing and I don't regret it.

It can be super hard to break a bond if you are especially loyal, as I suspect you are. But someone not treating you with respect is not your friend. Please don't let them take advantage of your being a kind person. They need to learn your boundaries and if they can't do that, tell them to go away and find someone else who will.

[Zapper]

For example, seperate checks at restaurants which my friends agree too then order an obsence amount of food then claim they forgot their wallet.

Claim you forgot your wallet, too, and suddenly they will find theirs again

Also get yourself selfhelp books on how to be more assertive. You can learn how to stand up for yourself, it's not magic. If these people are really your friends they will stop their crap the moment you "flip out" on them right back. Do they at least pay the money back or do you have to take them out for dinner all the time? Because that's not friend behaviour, that's user behaviour. It's your money, it's not up to them to demand you giving it to them like a schoolyard bully. The nerve of these people!

[Minty_Magic]

Oh yikes, the pattern of this happening often tells me this is intentional and not that they’re simply absent minded or anything like that. Do these people ever hang out with you and pay for anything? Or even just hang out to enjoy your company without going somewhere? I’m not sure these people are actually your friends...they may just see they can push you around easily and are taking advantage.

I can completely understand being non-confrontational, I’m often the same way. Communication is key for sure in this situation. have you expressed to your friends that you are uncomfortable with their behavior? I know you mentioned they’ll flip out to make you back down, so have you tried talking to them either before or after leaving the restaurant? That way if they do want to cause a scene, it’s not as embarrassing for you. Although HONESTLY if anyone heard your guys’ argument I think most strangers would take your side.

It’s kinda passive aggressive, but I might also straight up ask them if they remembered their wallet this time before even entering the building. If not, well, that’s too bad, tell them you don’t have the money to cover them today, so you’ll have to find something else to do.

If they won’t change their behavior and respect the boundaries you have set, I think you need to re-evaluate your friendship with these people. It doesn’t sounds like they have your best interests at heart.