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Author Topic: Advice for new relationship <3  (Read 346 times)

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Offline WaterDraw

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Advice for new relationship <3
« on: September 06, 2018, 01:08:18 AM »
Hiya! Um, I know asking for advice on the internet isn't always the best thing to do, but it can't hurt can it?
((thought I'd get that away before getting into the real topic for today))

To cut a long story short, I have been asked out by someone I really like. I told them I'd wait until the end of the month for us to officially start dating since I wanted to have him know me more and to know him more as well. Also to add context it is a Long Distance relationship. I've been in two relationships before, both successful, but it never hurts to have more advice!
So, it would e most appreciated if you guys could give me some advice and tips :) We are wanting to have a serious relationship also, if that helps.
Thank you everyone or your help in advance :)
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Offline tailrustedtealeaf

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2018, 01:50:46 AM »
In a LDR now, have been for over year, although it feels like 2? We were on a weird "overly friendly best friends" kick complete with net-kissing until we decided to make it official.
The one I was in previously fell through because I wasn't familiar with him (we had talked for maybe a month) and because of a maturity gap, although that's another conversation. I've been talking to my current love for over five years, so having time to actually get to know a person is certainly helpful. You mention wanting to know him more, which makes me wonder how long you have been talking to him, is it a considerable amount of time? Me and E love to watch movies and youtube together! We use Rabb.it to watch together or just browse the internet (it's fun to go ebay lurking).
Uhhh, what do you want tips on? I'm sure some others could provide the usual "make sure they're real" internet dating spiels that you're probably familiar with already.
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Offline WaterDraw

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2018, 03:33:15 AM »
In a LDR now, have been for over year, although it feels like 2? We were on a weird "overly friendly best friends" kick complete with net-kissing until we decided to make it official.
The one I was in previously fell through because I wasn't familiar with him (we had talked for maybe a month) and because of a maturity gap, although that's another conversation. I've been talking to my current love for over five years, so having time to actually get to know a person is certainly helpful. You mention wanting to know him more, which makes me wonder how long you have been talking to him, is it a considerable amount of time? Me and E love to watch movies and youtube together! We use Rabb.it to watch together or just browse the internet (it's fun to go ebay lurking).
Uhhh, what do you want tips on? I'm sure some others could provide the usual "make sure they're real" internet dating spiels that you're probably familiar with already.

1. Thank you for the tid bit of information at the beginning about knowing each other. While I haven't known them for as long as 5 years, it has been a little while. Plus we talk a lot everyday...like almost the entire day XD
2. I guess I just want tips on how to keep it interesting and maybe just relationship tips in general. One of the problems I had with my past relationship was that after a while I myself started to get bored. I guess he was okay with it because he kind of likes predictability, but it was getting harder and harder to come up with stuff to say and I began to wonder if I already knew everything about him...

Also yeah, I've had the "make sure they're who they say they are" lecture about 100 times from friends and family alike XD
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Offline Mewtwofan1

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2018, 04:08:24 AM »
     I can’t guve much advice, never being in a relationship myself. But I’ve payed a bit of attention to what those around me who are in relationships say, and I’ve learned some things.
1. Like, keep it real man! Be yourself. If you can’t be yourself around this person, don’t be in a relationship. Also, accept the other person as their self. Not sure if that applies here, but something worth noting.
2. Schedule time to be with one another.mot sure if theirs much of a time difference between you two, but be aware that when you think it’s a perfect time in the evening to talk, they might be at work during the day, or have other obligations. If you guys can’t talk, why have a relationship?
3. As for the relationship getting stale, I’d advise try doing something like playing an online game together, watching the same videos. Try watching or playing something you both have never tried. It will be a good bonding experience, and you might find a fun thing to do together.
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Offline tailrustedtealeaf

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2018, 02:25:27 PM »
Totally do a movie night, games, maybe you can do calls while studying?
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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2018, 08:34:59 PM »
Hang out with them in person as much as is feasible.  I realize that can be really hard when it's a LDR.  But if you intend to have a serious relationship at some point, it's really important.

Someone can be a totally nice person who you love to chat with, who is a great friend, and then when you hang out in person you find out . . . "wow, I would not want to live with them full time."
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Offline WaterDraw

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2018, 03:45:02 AM »
Thank you everyone for the advice. :) Unfortunately we can't really see each other IRL since we're in different countries, but we were planning on seeing one or the other maybe after all of school was over. However, movie night was one of the first things we were planning on doing, if that counts :P
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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2018, 01:10:11 PM »
Hang out with them in person as much as is feasible.  I realize that can be really hard when it's a LDR.  But if you intend to have a serious relationship at some point, it's really important.

Someone can be a totally nice person who you love to chat with, who is a great friend, and then when you hang out in person you find out . . . "wow, I would not want to live with them full time."

This.

There's a part of people that only show when you can be with them in person. And our minds will "fill in the blanks" and that can be really bad if you want to actually be serious about the relationship.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a supporter of LDR, my mom was in one for 15+ years before her BF moved in a few months ago. But there were ups and downs, and they had to overcome a lot of stuff.
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Offline tailrustedtealeaf

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2018, 03:13:36 PM »
It's unfortunate that it's different countries. Me and E are just on different coasts, but we may be able to meet up soon (in the next year or two) to test the waters.
Totally voice call if you can, it gives you a slightly better idea of who they are instead of just carefully calculated text!
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Offline WaterDraw

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2018, 10:35:41 PM »
Hang out with them in person as much as is feasible.  I realize that can be really hard when it's a LDR.  But if you intend to have a serious relationship at some point, it's really important.

Someone can be a totally nice person who you love to chat with, who is a great friend, and then when you hang out in person you find out . . . "wow, I would not want to live with them full time."

This.

There's a part of people that only show when you can be with them in person. And our minds will "fill in the blanks" and that can be really bad if you want to actually be serious about the relationship.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a supporter of LDR, my mom was in one for 15+ years before her BF moved in a few months ago. But there were ups and downs, and they had to overcome a lot of stuff.

Of course. I try not to assume what someone is like or what they do because then when they don't do what I expected I get disappointed when I shouldn't because it was just me guessing XD but like I said, hopefully I can meet up with him soon :')

It's unfortunate that it's different countries. Me and E are just on different coasts, but we may be able to meet up soon (in the next year or two) to test the waters.
Totally voice call if you can, it gives you a slightly better idea of who they are instead of just carefully calculated text!
Yeah, I want to at least try and video chat once a week or at least twice a month. Calling is a very big ordeal for me, so I have to plan ahead  >_<

Also, good luck with your relationship! Hope you get to see your special someone soon ^.^
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Offline Taffeta

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Re: Advice for new relationship <3
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2018, 03:31:27 PM »
I had a situation like this a few years back which got kind of out of hand and messy in the end.

I wouldn't say it was necessarily a 'relationship'. Ironically the chance of it ever becoming one was kind of scuppered by his trying to force the issue. I think I would only have called it a relationship if we'd have got to the point of meeting in person and verifying the things LM mentioned - but although it was discussed that he'd come to London, ultimately that never happened.

I wonder sometimes if we'd been able to communicate in real life whether things wouldve been different. We talked a lot too, about a lot of things. To begin with he had my back in everything and we got on really well, had a real blast, and so on. And I knew who he was, I had plenty of real grounded information to back that up.

But in the end it got to a point where he was trying to push things in his direction his own way. He wouldn't keep his word, he broke promises constantly, and left me hanging, then didn't understand why it upset me. And he'd try and push his agenda all the time but not really listen to mine. And the more time went on, the worse it got when we argued, because he would immediately start in on things that he knew would hurt me, to hurt me. He said as much at times when we weren't fighting -  that when he was angry he had issues controlling his temper and what he said.

And I kind of realised in that instant that if this were to progress to real life, I wouldn't ever feel safe. Because even though I absolutely believe he would never physically hurt someone, it kind of dawned on me that the emotional burden of this connection was already taking a toll on me.

So I guess what I am saying is that it's good to be cautious and to go at your pace. Especially with a LDR where you can't physically meet face to face. It can be harder to contextualise what another person is going through because you can't be there and see the impact it is having on them for real. My friend and I both dealt with this, because he had some issues with his family and also with a friend, and I was dealing with stuff as well. He also got jealous of me talking to other people, and that was also a red flag to me as things went on. He didn't begin that way, but once he did, I knew I couldn't pursue it any further.

I think that the remote situation can make people more clingy or pushy about things, but you need to keep in mind at all times that your agenda and his need to be the same. I probably stayed in contact with this guy for too long, and honestly, if I hadn't gone to Japan and had the time zone shift making it harder for us to chat, I would probably have not put an end to the situation then, either.

So really make sure you know what you are going into, and that what you want and what he wants are stated, discussed and respected between you going forward.

I regret that I lost this person as a friend, because I really loved them as a friend and valued sharing things with them. But I couldn't keep them as a friend and get rid of the drama. And that's the saddest thing about this.

I wish you luck with this guy :) I hope it works out well :D
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