Describe your job badly!

[Loa]

I saw this trending on Twitter and thought it would be a funny discussion.

Goal is:
Describe your job in such a bad way people can't guess it.

For instance, mine is:

I send people away, sometimes they don't come back.

Go!

[Mewtwofan1]

Well, I don't have a job (that I legally can share. That's classified)
So I'll just go with my cover:

I listen to people talk about stuff I don't need every day without taking a day off.

[Cswift]

I tell teenagers how to get good.

Spoiler

I'm a writing tutor at my college.

[Duenia]

I make impossibly bad ideas somehow work.

Spoiler

I'm a front end web developer

[Marlin]

I am a machine enabling a significant moment in children's lives...

[Bekuno]

I get papercuts and hangnails to keep things organized only for the masses to destroy my hard work every day.

Spoiler

I'm a retail merchandiser for Hallmark!

[aintnobuffalo]

With the help of government funds, I teach mind control.

Spoiler

I'm a therapist for mental health.

[BerylBreeze]

I tell people where the bathroom is located.

[ladybastilla]

I play matchmaker for imaginary people. They tend to have a lot of drama. Occasionally they wind up happy.

[Einhornbaby]

I remove things and throw them out just to see them brought back.

[Artemesia's Garden]

I grow flowers, people measure them and then we throw them away.  Sometimes no-one else ever sees them.

[banditpony]

I create happiness.

[Beth3346]

I help people buy stuff

Spoiler

Front-end Web Developer who works on e-commerce websites

[Broken Irishwoman]

All in all I'm just another brick in the wall.

Spoiler

I work at a factory (not a regular one, but a factory for partly disabled people), often at the assembly line.

[Pokeyonekenobie]

I have access to all the information in the world but generally people only want movies from me. 

Spoiler

I work in a library.