My pony collection or my spouse (serious advice)

[zombie85chick]

Hello fellow pony lovers and collectors.
I'm somewhat new to pony collecting. I started collecting in November BUT I also collected in my twenties but not quite a seriously as I do now. In my earlier days my collection was just a few.
I hope I don't sound insane but I've managed to collect a little over a hundred ponies since November. I don't know what it was, I just really enjoyed the colors and the variations. Not to mention I never knew that vintage ponies were something that were still around in such abundance. I figured any toy over the 20 year mark was in the dump or destroyed by an eager child. I was totally in love when I saw a girl post on Twitter her Rainbow Curl collection! I Googled them and bam I was hooked. I spent way too much money. So much, I'm embarrassed to admit that it's put me into a little debt.
Now,  onto my other major issue. My husband is furious. He says it sends him into a black rage when he looks at my collection. He'll quote Fight Club at me "whatever you own ends up owning you" and how they don't make me happy. They're toys, materialistic garbage and he wants them gone. And he's furious about the amount of money I've spent. I don't want to sale them. I really don't want to sale them. I have sold a few doubles I've acquired but would be heart broken to part with my collection. All I keep thinking is I could go on a spending freeze and we could save some money and maybe when it's not so much of a bad memory for him, I'll only purchase a reasonable amount and only spend a reasonable amount of money. My only issue is I don't think it will work for him. I need thoughts, advice and experiences. Please, I don't want to damage my relationship irreparably but I don't want to part with something that genuinely means something to me.
Thank you.
 

[Taxel]

First of all, if you've gone into debt over ponies you absolutely need to stop buying immediately. You should not be going into debt for toys or any other unnecessary stuff, even if its just a little. "Just a little" can get out of hand really fast because you can keep convincing yourself its just a little bit, you can pay it off later, it'll be so easy, etc. Don't get caught in that thought process. Sometimes paying off and canceling credit cards helps people with this, sometimes people can reign it back in and be okay. Just stay aware of this and keep an eye on your spending. Its dangerously easy to overspend and get yourself into a hole you can't dig out of.

Secondly, what do you mean by black rage? Does he get violent, threaten you, take his anger out on inanimate objects? Anything like that? Or does he just get upset and yell/argue with you about it? Think about what you would do if your husband suddenly became obsessed with something to the point of going into debt and amassing hundreds of whatever in such a short period of time. Ask yourself: would you be angry and yell at him, would it upset you, would you be confused and/or frustrated, would you feel like the man you married changed, do you think it would take you time to understand, etc. Would you react similarly to how he's reacting? That might help you decide if his upset is at a reasonable level since we don't know your personalities, relationship, or how angry he's getting/exactly why he's upset.

People sometimes downplay it in collecting communities but discovering something you enjoy like this and going nuts buying lots of stuff can be confusing, upsetting, and alarming to SOs. And honestly? That's a pretty normal reaction if its a drastic change. If you never showed any real interest in toys before and suddenly bought hundreds in a few months, that's a huge change. It takes time for the other partner to adjust. When you add in the collecting partner going into debt over it, of course they're going to be upset or maybe even livid. Again, that's normal and imo pretty reasonable. If my boyfriend became obsessed with something to the point of going into debt I'd be furious with him. There are healthy ways to collect and going into debt over it is NOT one of them. But anyways, adjustment takes time. Have you tried explaining why you like the ponies or what they mean to you? Have you tried discussing potential ways to live in harmony with the ponies? Letting your SO have a real say and opinion can help a lot (i.e. deciding on a designated "pony place" for display/storage together, keeping the amount of displayed ponies at a level he can handle). One thing you need to realize is that you may need to sell some of your ponies. It sucks, yes, but you messed up. You went into debt to buy toys. That's not okay. I don't blame your husband for being angry over it. That may be the only way for him to be able to deal with it. You can buy back the ponies later; the same can't be said for a relationship.

Before you make any drastic choices, unless he is threatening, abusing, or otherwise hurting you, see a couple's therapist. Talk about it, in depth and calmly, away from the ponies. Try to work this out. Try to understand where he's coming from and why he's upset. Try to help him understand why you enjoy collecting. You screwed up overspending and you need to own up to it. He needs time to process this change and understand it. This may end up being an irreparable rift but there are ways you can try to work on things before making a choice like that.

[zombie85chick]

I completely understand what you're saying. I'm laying in bed right now trying to think of something he could over spend on that would upset me. I'm not sure how this will come off but sometimes he can put too much into savings out of his paycheck. To a point where he can only buy groceries once or can't really help buy baby clothes. I never fly off the handle because I know I've messed up.

When I say I've gone into debt,  I mean I've narrowed a couple hundred bucks from friends and my parents have helped me pay my cell phone bill a couple of times. He's had to help too. But not because of ponies, because I've had my sister refuse to pay her half of the cell phone bill (long story).

He's never ever been physically or mentally abusive. He gets angry and doesn't want to talk or will yell a little but nothing abusive. He's just frustrated. I haven't been smart with my money and he's upset I haven't given him much money for savings. He says I've taken from our son by not saving. We have a 9 month old son.

I just want to find a middle ground. He says I don't need them and to get rid of them all. He is also convinced that I'm one of 10 people that collect and they're most likely worthless. He said there is nothing wrong with having a few and I don't need more than that. I have collected other toys. When we first got together I had a small collection of troll dolls, I got rid of them mostly because he didn't like them and felt they were taking up space.

It just feels like there is no middle ground. I messed up,  I know but they're should be a compromise...

[Artemesia's Garden]

I agree with everything Taxel has said but I am worried about 'black rage' so do keep updating to let us know you are OK.

I built up my collection relatively quickly because I had some time to do it but I never got into debt to do it. That's not to say I've never got into debt before though! The two just didn't coincide.  I'd already learned not to get in debt before I started collecting ponies. 

I have rules about what I do and don't collect which helps to keep the buying under control.  I also have a rule about not having any very high value items in my collection because I don't have a pony room and it's just too much responsibility in my mind.  I started off with low value G1s and then built up an idea of what I wanted my collection to look like.  One mistake I made through buying too fast was not keeping a record of where each pony came from.  The feedback system on the Arena helps but I wish I had kept a record of ebay purchases and communication as well, just for nostalgia! I wish I had taken more time to enjoy building up my collection.  I currently don't have an accurate inventory which is really embarrassing!

The key thing is no-one was judging me.  Well, they were but no-one got aggressive or told me seriously that I shouldn't do it.  It's harmless, unless you get into debt or get to the point where you can't move in your house!  But I also tell people about the community, swaps and thrifting trips etc so they realise that it's a hobby that really adds something positive to your life.

If I were you I'd have a serious look at my collection and decide where you want to focus.  If you've already sold some doubles that's good because you're in the right mindset and know how to sell stuff.  I *think* that a lot of G4 would be more easily replaceable in the future.  If you want any help with deciding what to sell we could discuss it together, I'm not the most expert.  I'd be tempted to sell bulky things to make my collection look smaller!  If you have to show him your bank statements you might need to sell some of the more valuable stuff as well. 

Maybe tell him you'll not buy any more ponies until you've cleared the debt and in the meantime you will sell some items.  You might be able to sell non-pony stuff as well just to have a clear out and make some money? Then once you've cleared the debt you might do a tight budget for him and put your expendable income into a second/savings account.  You might only have to do this for a couple of months but then you can show him where the money is going.  If you earned it, it's your choice how you spend it at the end of the day but if your ponies conflict with your joint goals as a couple that's going to be hard for him... unless he gets an expensive hobby as well and you both focus on hobbies instead of more conventional life goals...

Edit
OK I've just seen your reply... it sounds as though he is what I would call 'tight'.  He doesn't enjoy 'stuff' and it sounds as though he is super cautious about money and thinks he is doing absolutely the right thing.  It also sounds as though he is judging you for having your own toys.  The first thing is tricky and I would say you definitely need couples counselling to find that middle ground.  With finances you need to be on the right page.  Is this a joint savings account he is saving to and complaining that you're not contributing? If so you should work out a monthly contribution based on your respective incomes and stick to it.  Leave yourself 'fun money' because you need a balance. He should stick to it too and not go over.  The second thing in my view he should just stop - it's ok/good to be a collector.  Lots of people do it.  Toy collecting is an OK thing to do.  He should get over it and again, couples counselling might help.

[zombie85chick]

I agree with everything Taxel has said but I am worried about 'black rage' so do keep updating to let us know you are OK.

I built up my collection relatively quickly because I had some time to do it but I never got into debt to do it. That's not to say I've never got into debt before though! The two just didn't coincide.  I'd already learned not to get in debt before I started collecting ponies. 

I have rules about what I do and don't collect which helps to keep the buying under control.  I also have a rule about not having any very high value items in my collection because I don't have a pony room and it's just too much responsibility in my mind.  I started off with low value G1s and then built up an idea of what I wanted my collection to look like.  One mistake I made through buying too fast was not keeping a record of where each pony came from.  The feedback system on the Arena helps but I wish I had kept a record of ebay purchases and communication as well, just for nostalgia! I wish I had taken more time to enjoy building up my collection.  I currently don't have an accurate inventory which is really embarrassing!

The key thing is no-one was judging me.  Well, they were but no-one got aggressive or told me seriously that I shouldn't do it.  It's harmless, unless you get into debt or get to the point where you can't move in your house!  But I also tell people about the community, swaps and thrifting trips etc so they realise that it's a hobby that really adds something positive to your life.

If I were you I'd have a serious look at my collection and decide where you want to focus.  If you've already sold some doubles that's good because you're in the right mindset and know how to sell stuff.  I *think* that a lot of G4 would be more easily replaceable in the future.  If you want any help with deciding what to sell we could discuss it together, I'm not the most expert.  I'd be tempted to sell bulky things to make my collection look smaller!  If you have to show him your bank statements you might need to sell some of the more valuable stuff as well. 

Maybe tell him you'll not buy any more ponies until you've cleared the debt and in the meantime you will sell some items.  You might be able to sell non-pony stuff as well just to have a clear out and make some money? Then once you've cleared the debt you might do a tight budget for him and put your expendable income into a second/savings account.  You might only have to do this for a couple of months but then you can show him where the money is going.  If you earned it, it's your choice how you spend it at the end of the day but if your ponies conflict with your joint goals as a couple that's going to be hard for him... unless he gets an expensive hobby as well and you both focus on hobbies instead of more conventional life goals...

I promise he is not abusive in any way. He expresses his frustrations and may raise his voice but I never feel unsafe or belittled. He tells me he feels like I've taken advantage of him. I haven't always been honest about my spending and my debt is only a couple hundred dollars. We live with his mom and I paid my rent late too. We split our rent. He pays his half and I pay mine. He feels I'm taking from our family because I haven't saved and he's upset about that. He says that he'll never like my ponies and wants be to get rid of them all our only have a handful. I wish there was just more of a middle ground. Not all or nothing. He prides himself on being a minimalist.

[maycrestmom]

to me, this all reads as the issue is one of money management not the toys temselves.  I would open up about the finances and budget problem together working so that he can de-stress in regards to a budget.  Write out the costs per month and show how you set aside to pay down any debt.  A nine month old is not feeling deprived if he is fed, washed and loved so the loss I would wager is more his fears that he can't provide for the family, and if his mom was bitching at him in regards to rent that makes sense.  Seriously the whole you two are currently with his parents is probably the most stressful part since I wonder how over his shoulder she is in regards to you and baby. 

If it were me, I would focus on saving up for you two to have your own space and not adding to the collection at the moment since there will always be ponies and right now the toy-memory is one connected to poor money management not recapturing happy childhood moments.

I think you've wrote that he captured the essence of the problem = lack of disclosure and poor priorities = so no more buying MLP if rent is due

I think his "never" is just his frustration speaking because if it is something you really love and can afford after reality expenses are handled, than he should have the respect that this is your collection and hobby.  It to me is mostly the broken trust issue so I would start there like I said with financial transparency and getting that debt paid off and moving forward together regarding self-care

all the best in balancing keeping a rainbow in your room with a marriage and family intact :-) I'm sure with good communication you'll do fine

[Taxel]

I'm glad you're okay! Its always worrying when people describe anger as stuff like "black rage" but I think I kind of get what you meant now.

I think his "never" is just his frustration speaking because if it is something you really love and can afford after reality expenses are handled, than he should have the respect that this is your collection and hobby.  It to me is mostly the broken trust issue so I would start there like I said with financial transparency and getting that debt paid off and moving forward together regarding self-care

all the best in balancing keeping a rainbow in your room with a marriage and family intact :-) I'm sure with good communication you'll do fine

I agree with this quite a bit. Its definitely possible that you can find a middle ground with him and that "never"/"get rid of them all" is just from his frustration boiling over so don't throw in the towel yet. A couple's therapist or counselor could really help you here. You'll probably have to make compromises either way because of his minimalist tendencies (only have a minimal display, for example) but I wouldn't put too much stock in his desire to have them all gone just yet. Sell some of them and put the rest away in a box, closet, drawer, etc for a while if you haven't already. Leaving them out for him to see will probably just cause more frustration, stress, and fights if he has to see them all the time.

It sounds like it might help show him parts of the community once he's calmer about the whole thing. There's a documentary called "My Little Obsession" that might help him understand but you should probably watch it alone first since you'd know better than us if it could help him get it. You could even use toys as a way to make extra money if you have time/ability to scour thrift stores/yard sales/flea markets/etc for things to resell. That tends to help SOs/friends/family change their tune very fast.

Having a young child and living with parents surely doesn't help. I know how frustrating and suffocating it can be living with in-laws without a kid. I can't imagine how bad it would be with a child! He might feel like he's failing to provide for you two, for example, or maybe he's being pressured by his mom about stuff and/or is just sick of living with her. Your husband might just be dealing with too much stress and he's taking it out on the ponies since they're the straw that broke the camel's back or an easy target or something like that.

He might feel like his small amount of space is being taken over. I had a very similar issue with my boyfriend a few years ago. My pony collecting really took off when he was at school across the country so moving back in with his mom and I was kind of like a culture shock. Our bedroom was honestly a bit of a mess with displays because of how fast my collection grew. There was some frustration and annoyance having them all over the place. We never really fought but we had some disagreements and snapping at each other over it. After a little while we talked about it and I compromised by reorganizing my displays, putting some ponies away, and keeping everything neater/nicer so I wasn't just adding things on top of things. When I got new stuff I'd reorganize to fit them in better and maybe rotate what was on display. This made him feel a lot better and, surprisingly, it helped me too! I didn't even realize how much I disliked the chaos or how chaotic it had become since I was just excited to grow my collection and see my ponies. I have a lot more ponies now, and lots more on display, but they're in designated places that I keep organized as best I can. When I move stuff in the room around I ask for his opinion and keep him involved so I'm not just overpowering everything in my desire to clean up/reorganize. We haven't had any issues with the toys/displays since.

[kasin]

Yea, I agree with Maycrestmom, the fight over the ponies is more a symptom rather than the illness.

It sounds like you and your husband are working against each other rather than with eachother.  He should not try to force you to live a minimalistic life style if that is not who you are and you should not go on a buying spree when you know it bothers him. Both of you are disrespecting eachother and in the end it's hurting your relationship and ultimately your child.

I think you two need a long conversation about your mutual goals and wants in life. Set priorities and goals together and respect that both of you will need to compromise. Marriage is a team sport, and that means alot of planning and communication. Right now it sounds like your both just doing your own thing. I'm not a fan of split finances in a marriage because in most cases it feels like there is a lack of trust or willingness to work together.  I'm also not a fan of therapists and if your thinking of professional help I wonder if a financial planner would be just as constructive? They could help you agree on mutual goals and priorities while also offering professional experience. Fighting is a normal part of marriage, it can be healthy if it gets you both talking and working together, but that's the hard part! Getting both of you to listen and compromise when your both mad and on the defensive.

Good luck! I'm sorry your having troubles right now and hopefully you can sort them out without too much pain.

[Taxel]

I'm also not a fan of therapists and if your thinking of professional help I wonder if a financial planner would be just as constructive? They could help you agree on mutual goals and priorities while also offering professional experience.

There's nothing wrong with therapists and its okay to need their help. If you (and your partner/family/whatever for multi-people-therapy) are willing it can make a world of difference. If any parties are not it may not help. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all and you may need to "shop around" to find one that works best for you.

A couple's therapist or counselor would be there to help you two work together as a team better, communicate, and come back to common ground. They're like a neutral party that's able to help you get better at working through things and offer qualified advice more tailored to your situation. A financial planner may help but they will not serve the same function at all. A financial planner cannot help you communicate more effectively and its not their job to act as a neutral place to work things out the way a therapist or counselor does. If you can't communicate effectively and aren't on the same page a financial planner will not be able to help you.

[kasin]

I'm also not a fan of therapists and if your thinking of professional help I wonder if a financial planner would be just as constructive? They could help you agree on mutual goals and priorities while also offering professional experience.

There's nothing wrong with therapists and its okay to need their help. If you (and your partner/family/whatever for multi-people-therapy) are willing it can make a world of difference. If any parties are not it may not help. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all and you may need to "shop around" to find one that works best for you.

A couple's therapist or counselor would be there to help you two work together as a team better, communicate, and come back to common ground. They're like a neutral party that's able to help you get better at working through things and offer qualified advice more tailored to your situation. A financial planner may help but they will not serve the same function at all. A financial planner cannot help you communicate more effectively and its not their job to act as a neutral place to work things out the way a therapist or counselor does. If you can't communicate effectively and aren't on the same page a financial planner will not be able to help you.

Not trying to judge or downplay, but it's just not what I'd recommend. I feel like if you can work things out yourself it's better, but that is just my opinion.

Fighting is a normal part of a relationship. Sometimes it's needed to work out problems so no one feels marginalized or like their needs are being ignored. I feel that suggesting therapy is escalating the situation and should not be done unless that's the intent or it could be counter productive. I suggest financial planning as a alternative because her husband is already sensitive to finances and very likely would think of the costs of therapy first, where a financial planner would show she is paying attention to what's important to him. That might be enough, having a professional help them prioritize finances may be all they need and would not put her husband on the defensive. Can always try therapy after that if it did not help.

[Purpleglasses]

I'm also not a fan of therapists and if your thinking of professional help I wonder if a financial planner would be just as constructive? They could help you agree on mutual goals and priorities while also offering professional experience.

There's nothing wrong with therapists and its okay to need their help. If you (and your partner/family/whatever for multi-people-therapy) are willing it can make a world of difference. If any parties are not it may not help. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all and you may need to "shop around" to find one that works best for you.

A couple's therapist or counselor would be there to help you two work together as a team better, communicate, and come back to common ground. They're like a neutral party that's able to help you get better at working through things and offer qualified advice more tailored to your situation. A financial planner may help but they will not serve the same function at all. A financial planner cannot help you communicate more effectively and its not their job to act as a neutral place to work things out the way a therapist or counselor does. If you can't communicate effectively and aren't on the same page a financial planner will not be able to help you.

Not trying to judge or downplay, but it's just not what I'd recommend. I feel like if you can work things out yourself it's better, but that is just my opinion.

Fighting is a normal part of a relationship. Sometimes it's needed to work out problems so no one feels marginalized or like their needs are being ignored. I feel that suggesting therapy is escalating the situation and should not be done unless that's the intent or it could be counter productive. I suggest financial planning as a alternative because her husband is already sensitive to finances and very likely would think of the costs of therapy first, where a financial planner would show she is paying attention to what's important to him. That might be enough, having a professional help them prioritize finances may be all they need and would not put her husband on the defensive. Can always try therapy after that if it did not help.

I disagree. There are plenty of options for finding very low cost therapy, and it isn't escalating the situation at all - it's just healthy. Think of therapy like going to the gym for your mental health or your relationship - even if you don't have any problems right now, exercise is healthy! You learn to communicate about the real underlying problem better, you understand yourself and your partner more. They could see a financial planner too, but this really seems like a communication issue. Therapy could help them talk out why she felt like keeping her collecting secret and help them be more open about financial choices and other things.

OP messed up financially, but as long as she fixes the money issue and doesn't go into debt for toys again, it's not right for her husband to ask her to not enjoy things that make her happy just because they bother him. You are partners in a relationship, but maintaining a sense of individuality and being your own person is also important. If she can enjoy ponies in a financially responsible way, she should.

[LadyMoondancer]

Sounds to me like there are three issues:

- Lack of communication / trust.  You weren't honest about your spending, now he feels betrayed and upset. 

- Minimalist vs collector.  This isn't a right vs wrong issue, it just comes down to different personalities / preferences.  He needs to respect that collecting makes you happy and isn't bad (if done in moderation / control).  But you have to respect that he may only be able to relax / enjoy himself in uncluttered spaces.  It's important that both of you be happy, so you (both) may have to compromise.  Like having ponies only in a "pony room", or in a cabinet that can be shut to keep them out of view at times.   I wouldn't show him "My Little Obsession".  Seeing a bunch of collectors with tons of ponies is just going to freak him out even more and convince him that ponies are a never-ending money pit.

- Financial issues.  You should never go into debt for ponies, not even a little.  And to be honest, I'd be pretty upset too if I were contributing to a savings account every month while my partner went into debt over a hobby. Are you still in debt?  (Including "casual" ones like borrowing money from family/friends, not just credit cards.)  If so, IMO you should sell stuff, including ponies if necessary until you can get out of debt.  It's really not a big deal to sell off ponies.  You can buy them back later, and it will show your husband that you control your collection, it doesn't control you.

[lunar_scythe]

Ok, Im going to point something out that it seems no one else has mentioned:

If he is putting so much into savings that it is effecting whether or not you can afford groceries, a financial counselor is something to seriously think about. Saving money is a good idea, but saving money for later at the expense of things you *need* is concerning. 

I would suggest you both sit down and decide on a set amount of money to put into savings, and a set amount of money for each of you to use for 'fun money' or non essentials (this would be movie or concert tickets, junk food, alcohol if you drink, your ponies, etc.)

Lieing about spending money is never good, but you also shouldn't have to ask permission to make a small purchase; the two of you need to find a balance.  Ideally, your money would be shared evenly between you; I don't mean you pay your half the rent and he pays his, I mean together, the two of you could pay your rent out of a join account you both put money into for the basics: rent, food, phone bills, etc.

I completely understand wanting to keep at least some money seperate, but it seems almost like the two of you are room mates instead of spouses.

[Delphian]

There's been some great advice in this thread! I hope you really consider all of it.

I'm laying in bed right now trying to think of something he could over spend on that would upset me. I'm not sure how this will come off but sometimes he can put too much into savings out of his paycheck. To a point where he can only buy groceries once or can't really help buy baby clothes.

This really bothers me. He's so frugal that he'll just refuse to spend money on groceries or baby clothes if he feels he hasn't saved enough? That's a pretty big red flag if that's actually happening. Honestly it sounds like both of you have problems with money. You just both swing in wildly different ways of viewing money.

Even though he's not abusive, he sounds controlling in a passive aggressive kind of way. He guilt tripped you into selling your other collection because it was unsightly to him... That's another big red flag to me.

I'm not trying to excuse you from blame though. You did mess up and you recognize that so that's good. You need to stop downplaying what you did too. A few hundred dollars isn't a "little bit of debt" for most people. That's a lot! Especially with a baby to consider. And borrowing from friends and family is something you should only consider doing in an emergency for like, an unexpected hospital bill. A collection of any kind is not something you should ever borrow money for.

I have to agree with the people saying you should get therapy with him. It sounds like there are deeper issues at work here.

In the short term though, you need to get out of debt. Pick your top 10 faves and sell the rest. You can always buy them back at a later date when your spending is under control. My husband and I both collect toys and our purchases just come out of our monthly "fun money" fund. We have a set amount each month for fun stuff like movies, dining out, games, toys, etc. You can always do the old money in an envelope trick if you find it too hard to keep a mental tally. All you do is make a withdrawl for however much fun money you get that month. Stick it in an envelope and only use the money in that envelope to pay for things. When you run out before the end of the month, that's it. No more spending. But if you manage to save some, you can roll it over into next month! It's a nice way to really see your spending in action and makes you think about where your money is going.

[northstar3184]

I deleted my response. It seems I missed some important details and will reread before reposting.