COMPLETE! Little Ponies Lost (A G1 Pony Fan Novel)

[Leave a Whisper]

Same as here.

Sweet!

[Al-1701]

Thanks for the follow.

I've written up to the end of Chapter 2.  I'll wait a few days to start Chapter 3 so you can suggest edits and give feedback.  Thanks so much for commenting on this.

[Al-1701]

The Google doc has been updated with the third chapter.  It ran short of action, so our curious little ponies get a bit of an info dump.  Also, we meet the face of our enemy.

[Firehooves]

love the story, it's pretty good! It's always good to see somebody else still writing G1 pony stories (I was starting to worry I was the only G1 writer left! Now if only more people would read our stuff...  )

[Lore-Lei]

First thing first: please please for the love of God please stop overdoing Truly's accent. Yes, we know she has a southern accent, yes, we know she says 'I' like 'Ah', don't murder the english into incomprehensible levels because of it.

Second, you wasted too much time describing ponies who didn't actually matter who they were at the arguing in the beginning. Introduce them with detailed description when they will receive actual focus. Right now you dumped so much information on the readers in that one scene I got pretty confused.

Other than these, your pacing is excellent, almost 'in medias res', your characterization is flawless, and your prose - while pretty purple - is enjoyable, descriptive and professional. Just be vary of going what I call 'ultraviolet'.

Can't wait to read more of these. You're an amazing writer.

[Al-1701]

Okay, I ratcheted down Truly's drawl further to just using "Ah" in place of the word "I."

The prose is rather purple when Wind Whistler is the focus, she is the observer and notices the physical details.  Also, as the story goes along, things that have already been described won't need as much description.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Lore-Lei]

Okay, I ratcheted down Truly's drawl further to just using "Ah" in place of the word "I."

That's exactly what I hoped you'd not keep but however you feel. You're welcome though, cannot wait to read more.

[Ponyfan]

Here are my thoughts about what I read so far.  The first few lines drew me in and I liked how Wind Whistler slowly regained consciousness (she didn't just wake up right away and be able to get up.)

However, the descriptions were so descriptive it was really hard to follow at times and stay focused on the story, because I got lost trying to figure out which character is which and the only one I was able to figure out from the description alone was Firefly.  That being said I realize that Wind Whistler is using such description because she doesn't know who these ponies are yet and can't call them by name.

I thought at first the nurse was going to be Tales Sweetheart and only after someone metioned it was Truly did I realize that's who it was. I also wouldn't have known Skydancer unless I saw it mentioned here. Maybe Wind Whistler could take note of their symbols or partial symbols to make it easier for the reader to figure out who is who.   I realize some of the symbols might be hidden by clothes, but maybe it could say something like "Wind Whistler noticed the white earth pony with the nurse's uniform had a bird for part of her symbol.  "

Also, there were a couple times I had to look up the very specific equine vocabulary to figure out what you meant, but this might just be because I have not be around real horses as much.


Ponyfan

 

[Al-1701]

Wind Whistler is just as confused as you.  I suppose I could add descriptions of cutie marks, but that would add even more description.

[Ponyfan]

Wind Whistler is just as confused as you.  I suppose I could add descriptions of cutie marks, but that would add even more description.

Now I get it.  The reader is confused because Wind Whistler is confused  and trying to figure out who the other ponies are.


Ponyfan

[archidraca]

This is still awesome! Keep it up!

Edit suggestions under spoiler. 

Spoiler

Only little things now.

Page 37 spellcheck error

She [ s]trained a little before her horn popped out of the crystal’s hull and
water poured from the hole she made.

Page 38 sentence unclear. simplification needed.

“Fine,” North Star exhaled, apparently not as fatigued [as] at least not bother and
Paradise and Wind Whistler.

Page 39 spellcheck error

It was like they were moving [in]dependently of each other, very much unlike the sun
and moon in Equestria which Princess Celestia and Princess Luna kept moving at
the same speed.

Page 58 missing words

She pulled out pale tan
cookies and dropped them [onto the] plate, but kept one to bite into.

Page 59 spellcheck error... maybe perhaps she is confused by what a "people" is?

“You’re people?” Paradise asked.  ---> “Your people?” Paradise asked.

Page 66 spellcheck error

“This was not only your chance to finally bring you[r] position as Omega
into question, but be a hero to harpykind and a part of historic glory.

Page 67 spellcheck errors, missing words?

“We rob, pillage, and kill; and we’ve
done known [none] of that since we got here.”

Talia threw as much force as she could into backhanded [backhanding] Rachael.

The mother is dead and the daughter is [not] yet of age.

She presented her talons [which] would go through that tender flesh as
easily as air.

Archi

[Al-1701]

I made the suggested edits.  Thank you.

Any thoughts on the harpies as enemies and as characters?

[archidraca]

I like the harpies as enemies. They're instinctively something known and unknown as they differ from their Greco-Roman counterparts. They seem an evolutionary step further for gryphons rather than a human avian hybrid. These few have a firm plan in mind to meet a clear and reasonable goal. I wonder why they only have the one male, are they that rare? That's kinda cool too. Why are they not more numerous? Is this an offshoot of the extant population or do they make up the majority remaining of their species? Fifteen individuals is a critically endangered population that will likely die out within the next generation or so due to inbreeding. They make me want to know more about them. 

[Al-1701]

They are human/avian composites.  Though, like griffons, they have six limbs and their avian characteristics are based on birds of prey.

[Al-1701]

Chapter 4 is ready.  Wind Whistler runs into by a bubbly little pony.  Well, run into is a better description and much more liberal.